Hallway time

Last night we had prayer meeting in my apt. 12 people sitting in various places and positions around my living room. Some with uplifted faces, others playing guitars, while still others lay flat on their faces before God. I sat in the hallway, only looking into the living room sporadically, having my own time with God. Hallway time. 


As people sang their hearts out in the other room, I was struck by my own heart and the state in which God finds it. I work in the ministry for a church. I'm "church staff". But what does that really mean? Does it mean that I'm held to a higher standard than others? Does it mean that I have to act a certain way or live my life in public eye? Perhaps. The Bible says that those in leadership are held accountable for the lives they influence. Pretty heavy stuff. I was struck last night by just how heavy this responsibility really is. Now, I'm not the pastor or even a small group leader. But I'm a mentor. I meet with women on a regular basis who ask for my guidance in their lives, who listen to the things I say and who value my opinion. Some of them watch how I live my life very closely and (not in a bad way) judge me. They see how I live, how things effect me, and sometimes take their cue from me. Is this something I'm ready for? Well, ready or not, here it is. 


God has positioned me in a such a place and such a time as this for some very specific reasons. While I'm not aware of all of them, I am aware of some. I see my purpose in a few very  important places in my life and, while it can be stressful sometimes, I wouldn't trade it for anything. As I work for God, as I live my life for Him (in public and private) I'm so protected. My leadership would throw themselves in the line of fire for me if they could. They act as a shield for me as much as they can and I love them for it. 


My job description is very different from my actual job. My job description says "church administration" and everything that goes along with that. But my actual job involves more of a "do what God tells you to do" kind of thing. Yes, I do church administration. I'm a paper pusher and I'm pretty good at it. But that is not all I am or all that God has given me to do. My job involves everyone in my office, to love them and be a helper to them. But in order to do that, I must be in a certain "place" in my spiritual life. I'm not there yet. 


This is a growing process. This faith we have isn't something that comes into its fullness the instant you accept it. No, we must grow into our roles that God has ordained for us. All I have experienced has made an impact on the person that I am and on what I bring into the office with me every day. Some things I learned in school, some things I learned in life, and other things I have prayed specifically for. For example, I learned basic social cues in life, I learned how to understand the human psyche in school, but I have prayed to be able to look at people and know the truth. All of these things together allow me to serve people in a way that someone without my specific experiences would be unprepared to handle. 


That being said, my hallway time taught me that I'm not where I need to be. I need to be spending SO much more time in the Word, time near my God, focusing on Him and letting Him be my strength. No person can ever take the place of God in my life, not that anyone would ever try! My eyes need to stay focused on Him and His plan for my life and my heart. It's surprisingly easy to get distracted by... things and people. 


My prayer for my growth: God,  be my words. Inhabit my prayers. Infuse my mind, my body, my soul. Turn my humanity towards You that it may be washed in Your light and cleansed to reflect Your glory and Your love to overflowing! Bend my will to Yours! Bend my ears to Your holy lips, that I might always hear You! Turn my eyes to Your way, that I might see You and see as You see. Surround my heart with Yours, that I might love as You love. Teach my Your ways, that may be Yours.

What I want to do today....

I want to do this today and not much else....

with Mumford and Sons playing in the background... yeah, perfection for this day. :-)

my life of books...

First off, let me tell you that I am a book lover. Just accept it, it'll make this whole thing much easier to understand.

When I was a kid, I loved books. They followed me everywhere and I spent much of my day with my nose buried in a book.

By high school, most of my brain power was given over to books and the lives their stories contained. I was aware of reality, but only in respect to whatever book I was reading at the time.  

By college, I was well into discovering who I was going to become by falling down a rabbit hole, losing my way for a while, but then waking up to find I really liked who was I on the path to becoming. 

Grad school brought a whole new level of reading, exhaustion, and discovery. I read more than I had ever read in my life and often fell asleep with a book on my face (which wasn't really new). I learned more of who I didn't want to be than who I needed to be.

My reality now is much more "normalized". A good book and a cup of tea make the perfect afternoon. But I know I cannot live in the stories I read, God is writing too good of a story with my life for me to lose myself in fiction. I love a good book and always will, but God's reality is SO much more exciting!!


To Be Continued....

When God speaks, write it down!

January 23, 2011, GCC Worship Service. God spoke,  I wrote:

I am the Rock so that you can lean on Me. I'm strong so you can be real. I'm worthy so you can just be human. Don't be what you're not. If you're tired,  be tired. If you're weak, be weak. Let Me handle this. I love you enough to be all of the things you need and cannot be. I love you so much! I want to be everything for you and that doesn't even begin to cover it! I love you enough to not only die for you, but to leave my grave and take care of you! I want to take care of you! I ask nothing of you in return. I just want to wrap My arms around you when you're sad, fix you when you're broken, touch you when you're desperate for Me, heal your heart when it bleeds.

I am the Rock so that you don't have to be. I'm strong so you can be weak. I'm Holy Spirit so you can be human. I'm perfect. Don't try to be what you're not! It will only hurt you, tear you down, and leave you defeated. I'm your victory! Let Me be that for you!

I know you are broken, let Me fix you. Let Me be your restoration, let Me be your smile. It's not easy and if it were, I would have called someone else. But I called you for a reason. Trust and rely on Me and you will grow to a place beyond your imagination! Trust me with your heart, your talents, your strength, and your love. I crafted you for this, let Me continue to mold you as it pleases Me for the ministry of my people.

sooo... it's 2011 now

I haven't gotten used to writing that date yet. Since the only times I ever really write the date anymore are on checks and since I pretty much don't write those but once a month, I'm really not used to writing 2011.

2010 was a pretty awesome year! Lots of new things started (*ahemGENESIScough*) and my new job that lies therein. I've gone through quite a few steps in my learning this year. My painting has improved a bit as well, which is always nice. :-)

What am I hoping for for 2011.... I'm hoping for some more of God's awesome plans to fall down on me. Someone looked at me yesterday and said, "You have a really good life." I could only agree, but prefaced it with "it hasn't always been this way." I have worked for the things I have, and I have to continue to work for them. I am very well taken care of, but that's because I have learned myself enough to know what I need and that God has my needs at heart and let Him run this life-show. For 2011, I'm hoping that God continues this work He has started in me and, more importantly, that I let Him.

i am kate: Today.

i am kate: Today.: "Today I am cynical and restless. Today I want to curl up in a ball and weep my way through a bowl of ice cream. Today I wonder, 'How..."

Today

Today I want to curl up in a ball and weep my way through a bowl of ice cream.

Today I wonder, "How did I get here...and when will it too, pass?"

Today I feel unattractive and inadequate.

Today I am honest.  Today I feel deeply.  Today I am lonely.

I pray that tomorrow brings peace, hope, and desire.

I pray that today is just that: only today.

From: i am kate

The day a Hysterectomy sounds good....

The Day A Hysterectomy Sounds Good by Amy Cox

The day a hysterectomy sounds good
Is the twenty-four hour period each month
Where my uterus feels as though it is trying to expel itself from my body
And I am more than willing to stop the madness and have it all removed....
If it weren't for the mother in me
The one that rationalizes my wide midsection as the perfect childbearing hips
The one that longs to go lingerie shoppping, maternity clothes shopping, and eventually baby clothes shopping
To set up a nursery and spend hours rocking my tiny babe to sleep

But today,
Just like every month
The hormones rage,
The tears flow,
And I think,
There's always adoption

Oh, Oswald Chambers, you're good.

"Be diligent to present yourself approved to God, a worker who does not need to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth." 2 Timothy 2:15

If you cannot express yourself well on each of your beliefs, work and study until you can. If you don’t, other people may miss out on the blessings that come from knowing the truth. Strive to re-express a truth of God to yourself clearly and understandably, and God will use that same explanation when you share it with someone else. But you must be willing to go through God’s winepress where the grapes are crushed. You must struggle, experiment, and rehearse your words to express God’s truth clearly. Then the time will come when that very expression will become God’s wine of strength to someone else. But if you are not diligent and say, “I’m not going to study and struggle to express this truth in my own words; I’ll just borrow my words from someone else,” then the words will be of no value to you or to others. Try to state to yourself what you believe to be the absolute truth of God, and you will be allowing God the opportunity to pass it on through you to someone else.

Always make it a practice to stir your own mind thoroughly to think through what you have easily believed. Your position is not really yours until you make it yours through suffering and study. The author or speaker from whom you learn the most is not the one who teaches you something you didn’t know before, but the one who helps you take a truth with which you have quietly struggled, give it expression, and speak it clearly and boldly.

Introvert Spasm

An Introvert Spasm is when a person with an introverted personality suddenly cannot handle interaction with other human beings. It seems to happen suddenly, but this is deceiving. In fact, an introvert spasm takes time to build up in the introvert's system before is spasms out. While the introvert might not notice the symptoms of the building up process, it's been documented that after the introvert realizes what's happening, they can note the symptoms and be in a better position next time to avoid the complete spasming effect.

... until then.... I will continue to have my introvert spasm.