i am kate: Today.

i am kate: Today.: "Today I am cynical and restless. Today I want to curl up in a ball and weep my way through a bowl of ice cream. Today I wonder, 'How..."

Today

Today I want to curl up in a ball and weep my way through a bowl of ice cream.

Today I wonder, "How did I get here...and when will it too, pass?"

Today I feel unattractive and inadequate.

Today I am honest.  Today I feel deeply.  Today I am lonely.

I pray that tomorrow brings peace, hope, and desire.

I pray that today is just that: only today.

From: i am kate

The day a Hysterectomy sounds good....

The Day A Hysterectomy Sounds Good by Amy Cox

The day a hysterectomy sounds good
Is the twenty-four hour period each month
Where my uterus feels as though it is trying to expel itself from my body
And I am more than willing to stop the madness and have it all removed....
If it weren't for the mother in me
The one that rationalizes my wide midsection as the perfect childbearing hips
The one that longs to go lingerie shoppping, maternity clothes shopping, and eventually baby clothes shopping
To set up a nursery and spend hours rocking my tiny babe to sleep

But today,
Just like every month
The hormones rage,
The tears flow,
And I think,
There's always adoption

Oh, Oswald Chambers, you're good.

"Be diligent to present yourself approved to God, a worker who does not need to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth." 2 Timothy 2:15

If you cannot express yourself well on each of your beliefs, work and study until you can. If you don’t, other people may miss out on the blessings that come from knowing the truth. Strive to re-express a truth of God to yourself clearly and understandably, and God will use that same explanation when you share it with someone else. But you must be willing to go through God’s winepress where the grapes are crushed. You must struggle, experiment, and rehearse your words to express God’s truth clearly. Then the time will come when that very expression will become God’s wine of strength to someone else. But if you are not diligent and say, “I’m not going to study and struggle to express this truth in my own words; I’ll just borrow my words from someone else,” then the words will be of no value to you or to others. Try to state to yourself what you believe to be the absolute truth of God, and you will be allowing God the opportunity to pass it on through you to someone else.

Always make it a practice to stir your own mind thoroughly to think through what you have easily believed. Your position is not really yours until you make it yours through suffering and study. The author or speaker from whom you learn the most is not the one who teaches you something you didn’t know before, but the one who helps you take a truth with which you have quietly struggled, give it expression, and speak it clearly and boldly.

Introvert Spasm

An Introvert Spasm is when a person with an introverted personality suddenly cannot handle interaction with other human beings. It seems to happen suddenly, but this is deceiving. In fact, an introvert spasm takes time to build up in the introvert's system before is spasms out. While the introvert might not notice the symptoms of the building up process, it's been documented that after the introvert realizes what's happening, they can note the symptoms and be in a better position next time to avoid the complete spasming effect.

... until then.... I will continue to have my introvert spasm.

With age comes....

Yesterday I turned 30. Yeah, I know, no one thought I was that old, but yeah. 1980 was a good year :-)

I like having a birthday near the end of the year because it gives me a chance to not only evaluate my January-December year, but also that year in my life. Last night I thought this through and was finally okay with being 30. My birthday is when I make resolutions, not New Years. But the things I decide to do are more powerful than resolutions because they take place on my birthday, it's more personal that way.

27 was a bad year for me. Really bad. I made some of the worse decisions in my life (and I knew better!) and suffered relatively light consequences considering what could have happened. I was depressed for most of that year and running from God with a lot of intentionality. I didn't want Him, I didn't want to do what I was supposed to be doing because that had never really been fun before and I wanted to have some fun. I was dumb.

28 rolls around and I struggled with some big decisions and knew I just couldn't make them on my own. It took me almost a full month to get my work schedule set so that I had Sundays off, but I did it. I darkened the door of a local church the first Sunday of 2008. I went to that church because the building looked cool and it looked big enough that I thought I could just remain anonymous. No one would pay attention to me and I could follow through with my birthday resolution with minimal fuss. I was wrong.

Sunday morning I went to Sunday school then the church service. Pretty normal, only slightly awkward.

 I filled out the communication card because that's just what ya do. Monday evening (while shoe shopping) I got a phone call from the pastor followed by a phone call from their student intern. This goofy kid invited me to their college and career Bible study Tuesday night. As I was talking to him, I looked him up on facebook (his picture is startling, is it not?). Despite his profile picture, he was so nice I decided that I would go at least once and check it out. Afterwards I joined the group for dinner and was invited to Rhythm on Thursday night.

I wasn't going to go. I really wasn't. I was tired, it had been an awful day, all I wanted to do was go home and drink. But I went anyway. I was late, missed part of worship, and sat in the back. The music was loud and I didn't know any of the words, but it made my tired face smile a little. Then this little bald guy got up and start bouncing around and preaching about heartbeats and rhythms and I don't know what else. I couldn't tell you what he talked about, but I can tell you the God I saw in this little guy. He was a powerhouse.

Since then, I've been hooked. Literally. God flipped my life upside-down that year and hasn't not stopped.

When 29 hit, I knew it was going to be a good year. My friends through me a "surprise" birthday party and it was fabulous! This was the year Genesis got planted. I remember telling Lewis I wasn't a church planter, it just wasn't what I saw myself doing. I was wrong. (Noticing a trend?) God blew my mind this past year with everything He has taught me and is continuing to teach me. More has happened durning my 29th year than I can tell you. To sum up, I now work for that little bald guy who is also my pastor and friend. I also work with that silly kid from the phone who has become one of my greatest friends. There's so much more, more than I could ever hope to type. Maybe I'll write a book some day.

But for today, I'm 30 and I'm excited about it!

HP books according to Draco Malfoy

Draco Malfoy and the Rejected Handshake
Draco Malfoy and the Better-than-Potter’s Broomstick
Draco Malfoy and Hagrid’s Bloody Chicken
Draco Malfoy and the Year His Father Would Hear About
Draco Malfoy and the Inquisitorial Squad
Draco Malfoy and the Vanishing Cabinet
Draco Malfoy and the Year He Realized He Had Been a Douchebag

(Source: skykingcat)

I'm just as strange as you...

“I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought, there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it’s true I’m here, and I’m just as strange as you.”

-Frida Kahlo

Thoughts on Freedom...

What is freedom? Where does it come from and what does it require of me?

In the first 13 chapters of Exodus we meet a nation of enslaved people. God heard their cries, sent them a leader, and took 13 chapters to get them to walk out of the city. When God set the Israelites free from the Egyptians, it wasn’t just a matter of Him setting them free and then they sat around and were just “free” in their own little lives. Their freedom required something of them. If they wanted to be free, they had to not only accept the work that God was doing in their lives, but they had to pack up their stuff and actually walk out of the city of their captivity. They had to walk away from that which held them captive. Now, you wouldn’t think that that would be a difficult decision. You might not initially think that walking away from oppression would be something you would actually have to think over, but let’s look at this a different way.

The Egyptians were holding the Israelites captive and treating them like slaves. But what if the Egyptians were holding the Israelites captive but treated them like equals or better? Would the Israelites still recognize their enslavement or would they come to an acceptance and say, “well, that’s just how things are”? It’s easy to recognize enslavement when it’s painful or oppressive. It’s easy to look at slavery and say, “that’s bad and should never happen! We should fight that.”

What if enslavement is somehow masked as something that’s not so bad? What if we are walking around this world, thinking we are completely free, but in actuality are completely enslaved? Only this isn’t any kind of slavery history has ever recognized before. It’s completely unearthly and entirely spiritual. Ephesians 6:12 "For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.” Our freedom will not be gained by fighting people, or even by “just getting through today”. There are days when we feel like “just getting through” is doing pretty good, thank you very much. But is that the life of freedom Jesus died so that we could have? Of course not! I have a hard time believing that the Savior of the Universe DIED just so we could force ourselves to push through another day! But how do we break this dynamic we have with the world? It’s so easy to just jump on the “God bandwagon” and expect to go out and conquer the world and fall flat on our faces. How do we free ourselves from this tether that the world has on us?

I don’t have any magical answers that will somehow make that light bulb turn on over your head and help you see something you have never seen before. Like Paul said in 1 Timothy 1:15, “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst.” Here is what I have found in my spirit to be true. We cannot save ourselves. We cannot free ourselves. We have to let ourselves die. The Bible says, “My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me” (Gal 2:20 NLT). Crucified. Dead. No longer living. Powerless. That is what our old lives must become if we expect our new lives in Christ to gain any momentum. We simply cannot go on living our lives as we have been and still expect God to free us from those lives. We have to be willing to walk away from them. Now, we can’t always afford to walk away from our jobs, but we can walk away from the group of gossips around the coffee machine. We can’t always physically walk out of our situation the way the Israelites did, but ask and watch as God provides a place for your spirit to find freedom and rest within your stressful situation. Be willing to be changed, ask, and then watch as God takes a sinner and slave to sin and grants a freedom that no words can express!

Will you have troubles? Of course. Will you struggle on probably a daily basis? Naturally. Will people mock you and treat you badly? Probably. Will you sometimes wonder if this was a good idea? Could be. Will you be alone? Never! In your lowest valley, He is there. On your highest mountaintop, He is with you. On your way from one to the other, He travels by your side.

Romans 8:38-39 (New Living Translation) “And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

The shape of your heart

If you were to draw your heart, what shape would it take? Would it be battered and beaten? Would it be fresh and bright? Would it be held safely in someone's strong and capable hands? Would it be standing alone?

Mine would (big shock here) be a book. Not a new book, not an old book. Plain on the outside, so plain in fact that many people look over it without even noticing, but it is held securely and lovingly in the hands of Jesus. He has read it so many times, He knows it better than I do! Inside the pages are worn with use. Many passages are highlighted and underlined by people that have walked through my life and taught me something about myself. They have each written a little something in the margins, each leaving their own special mark on the pages of my heart. The story my heart tells is for the eyes of Jesus alone, for He is the Author. Many people catch a glimpse of it here and there, they can read a page or two, maybe even a whole chapter; but no one can know the fullness of it except the Author. He knows what it was created for and who will read bits and pieces of it.

Every time I hold a book in my hands, I think about my heart. The link is so direct for me that I cannot help but wonder what new page of my heart will turn next. What chapter of my life am I on and how many more chapters do I have to go? Am I nearing the middle of the book or still in the beginning?

What about your heart? What shape does it take?

The structure of a book

“When we read a story, we inhabit it. The covers of the book are like a roof and four walls. What is to happen next will take place within the four walls of the story. And this is possible because the story’s voice makes everything its own.”

- John Berger; Keeping a Rendezvous


I love the structure of books. I love to read a book and see the four walls, roof, basement, and all the different floors and rooms of a book. Each character, each situation, each event adds another layer, another dimension, another story to the structure of the book. When reading a book, I love to watch the structure slowly unfold, creating a new puzzle piece with each turn of a page. Every new twist in the unfolding of the story allows for a new room to be explored. As the characters wonder around the house of the story, each person's point of view in each room allows the reader's mind to expand and be made aware of possibilities yet unknown to them. With each book I read, I can only hope that my mind expands to include new possibilities in life, in imagination, and in dreams.

my love

I love books. I love stories. I love the world that books open up to your mind. I love the feel of a book in my hand. I love the smell of old books and the look of the yellowing pages. I love the comforting silence of the library. I love the vast feeling of knowledge that exists in such a palatable way that if I took in a deep breath, I would know more than I did before I breathed. I love the imagination that books bring to my life. I love the escape of a good story. I love the structure. I love to take a good story and build a house out of it. The easy way I can be taken so far away from my present place by a good book causes me to yearn for more and more.

“We needed books, we needed something on which to build dreams.”
Louis L’Amour

Things I hate about food...

Things I hate. I realize that maybe "hate" is a strong word, but today, this morning, these are things that are really grating on my nerves:

1. Feeling like I have to ration my food to make it to the next payday, even though I know that money needs to go someplace else. All I want is to pay bills and still be able to get food and gas. Apparently that is too much to ask right now.

2. Feeling the need to eat protein and only being able to grab the half eaten Slim Jim left in my drawer from the week before. Even though Slim Jims do have 6 grams of protein (the big ones do anyway), I still feel like this is an ultimately bad life choice.

3. People saying that you look like you've lost weight and you know the reason why, and it has nothing to do with a diet that you actually chose but rather the buying of more "economical" foods. Now hear this People, Ramen and Spaghettios do NOT a healthy diet make! And yet these and other similar items have been nearly the entirety of my food intake recently.

4. For those of us that sometimes struggle with anemic tendencies, this is NOT a good way to live your life! I have been showing signs of anemia all week and that is bad, very bad. I want a steak. Medium rare. I'm feeling very carnivorous.

I need some cheaper options here. Weekly, I'm super thankful for my amazing roommates and my wonderful boss who feed me! If not for them, I would be much skinnier, and not in the good way.

In about two weeks, my family is taking me on a 9 day cruise to celebrate my birthday. Is it bad that I'm most excited about getting to eat some really good food? Guilt-free (I feel guilty wasting yokes) Egg white omelets with lots of veggies, plenty of red meat and seafood, as much iced tea as I can drink, peanut butter that's not past its expiration date, and who knows what other glories lie before me!! (and since when did unexpired peanut butter become a "glory"?)

I'm looking forward to the day when I can eat healthier because I can afford it, not because I feel like I'm going to pass out if I don't. Today's lunch: one spicy black bean burger I found in the back of my freezer (no one claimed it, so I took it) and some frozen spinach (thank you Mr. Office Microwave).

A coworker just walked in with doughnuts... this might not be such a bad day after all. :-)

ponderation of the day...

What’s one thing you feel you can’t say in the church? Why?

"Sometimes I just don't understand human beings..." -C3PO, Star Wars

Sometimes I have a hard time wrapping my mind about humans. We were the last thing God created, the grand finale as it were... and yet, have you seen a sunset over the ocean? A sunrise over the mountains? Snow covered peaks against a brilliant blue sky? Lakes reflecting like mirrors? How can humans be so grand a thing when these and many more majestic creations exist?

I would like to say that we're the grand finale because we're actually conscious creations. We have a mind, a soul, and a spirit, unique from other creations. We also have opposable thumbs, but we're not the only ones, so that's not all that great  but sure helps when making tea and toast for breakfast. Last night, during a prayer meeting, I was just struck with my own inability to understand the idea that humans are so great. I mean, I know some pretty nice people and some very talented people, but as a whole, I'm looking for reason why God waited until the end to create us. He took a few days to make preparations for us on earth. He knew what we would need to survive and created those things first so that we wouldn't want for anything upon our creation. He knew we would need air to breathe, food and water, light and dark, and companionship.

Why would God create such a wonderful place for us when He knew we were going to do what we've done to it? Probably the same reason that parents give their children great gifts when they know the kid is going to just play with the box (I had some of the coolest spaceships with those boxes!). Love. I guess that's what it all comes down to: love. How many times in the Bible does it talk about God being love? How many times does Jesus show His perfect love to the people around him?

God is love. Perfect love. A love that never fails. So what's our problem? We miss it! We are surrounded by physical evidence of His love for us and yet we miss it on a regular basis! Look around you today and find the ways God has shown you His love today. Did you see something beautiful? Have you been hugged? Does someone love you and did something special to show it? Are you breathing?

Love. That's what it's all about.

Moving day is nearly upon me!

So, in case you don't already know, I'm moving. Not across the state, across the country, or across the world, just across town. I'm trying like crazy to get work done at the church office, trying to pay attention at Job #2, and still trying to pack up my small world so that when saturday comes the people who are helping me move won't hate me. I'm going through closets, cabinets, nooks, and crannies, trying to get everything packed up in an organized way and I'm noticing a trend. Through the past year that I have been living at the house, when I've had something that I didn't know what to do with, or just didn't want to deal with, I just stuck it someplace where I didn't have to look at it. My hall closet has the most random assortment of stuff that I've ever seen! The drawers in the baker's rack are full of random papers, fish food, and left over Christmas candy (super gross!).

I feel there's a metaphor here... when something comes along that we don't want to deal with, our first instinct is to push it away and just try to forget about it. We stuff it in the virtual nooks and crannies of our minds and refuse to deal with it. Even when it involves someone else and they don't want to deal, we collectively stuff it in our hall closet and try to forget about it.

The problem is this: eventually those closets are either going to get full and the door will stop closing, or we'll move and have to clean out the closet quickly. Rushing through anything tends to lead to mistakes, rushing through cleaning typically means throwing things out we wanted to keep, keeping things we needed to throw out, or just packing everything and hoping we'll have time to deal with it later (essentially bringing our closet of junk with us to wherever we're moving).

What does God have to say about our tendency to stock pile our junk because we don't want to deal? I guess that depends on why we don't want to deal with it. Here are a few reasons:

Anxiety/fear. God says this, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6-7).

Doubt that God can actually handle it. Try this one on for size: 1 John 5:13-15 "I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life. This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him."

Our reasons can seem as endless as the oceans, but we need to understand that God is bigger, stronger, and more able to handle our lives than we are! So why do we struggle through our lives as if we're the only ones who can hack it? On another level, why do we try to avoid enlisting help when we finally start to unpack our closet? Embarrassment? What keeps us from grabbing a close friend or leader and ask them to go through our crap with us? No one really enjoys airing out their dirty laundry in front of others, but we are made for community, made to need each other. In trying to do everything on our own when we really need help, we're denying ourselves the joy of working in the manner for which we are created. God knows we need Him and He knows we need each other. Jesus, while on this earth, surrounded Himself with 12 men and was especially close with 3 of them. Yes, He was training them, but they were His companions. If the Savior of the universe surrounded Himself with people He trusted and loved, why don't we? Are we better than Jesus? I mean, really?

Which one will I be?

I like the disciples. Sometimes I envy them a little bit. I think, "they got to physically walk with Jesus, see His face, touch His hand, and sit next to Him." Even the thought of the total lack of personal hygiene doesn't really phase me as much as you would think. The 12 disciples got to experience physically what we get to experience spiritually. They walked with Him physically, we walk with Him spiritually. They talked with Him physically, we talk with Him spiritually. They followed Him wherever He walked, we follow His direction in our walks.

As I go through their adventures in my mind, I see the 13 of them surrounded by crowds of people. I see them sitting alone around a fire talking, telling jokes, laughing, and loving being in each other's presence. I see them walking down a hot and dusty road, Jesus striding with purpose, Peter, James, and John close at His heals (kinda like large puppies), and the rest following behind, each one lost in his own thoughts. I see Jesus being led away from the 12 by soldiers, Peter, James, and John wanting to follow but are unsure, the rest run for their lives. I see eye contact being made, unspoken words being communicated, hearts being torn.

As I think about these 12 men, I wonder what they were thinking when the soldiers came. No doubt they were frightened, but what were they expecting Jesus to do? Peter's response was pretty obvious: pull out a weapon and fight. But what did they think when Jesus replaced the man's ear and actually told Peter to cut it out? When they were running for their lives, were they having regrets about following Jesus? Were they just concerned with their own skins? Did they even think about Jesus as they ran?

When it came down to the wire, when Jesus was on the cross, of the 12 disciples who had just spent the past three years getting dusty from the sand kicked up by Jesus' sandals, only 1 stayed the course to the end. Only 1 stood at the foot of the cross, close enough to hear Jesus' words when He charged this 1 to care for His mother. Perhaps even close enough to smell the stench of blood and dirt. Perhaps even close enough to touch His feet. Of the 12 men, 10 ran away, 1 killed himself, and 1 continued to follow Jesus.

Regardless of where the 12 disciples were at that time, I can't help but wonder where I would have been.  I look up those 12 men who left their lives to follow my Jesus, I ponder their choices. When I sit and really ponder their choices on that day, the question is put to my soul, "What kind of disciple will you be? Will you let yourself take the easy way out and die? Will you run away? Will you not have the strength to make it all the way? Or will you follow Jesus, even to the cross?" With tears in my eyes, I answer, "I want to be the one who makes it. I want to be at my Savior's feet, regardless of whether they are bloody, dirty, or white as snow." I ask what I had to do to make it. And God responds clear as day, "Stay at your post. Read scripture. Love my children. Talk to Me. Use your gifts."

Which disciple will you be? Will you run? Will you die? Will you follow?

Only Hope

There's a song that's inside of my soul. 
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again 
I'm awake in the infinite cold. 
But You sing to me over and over and over again. 

So, I lay my head back down. 
And I lift my hands and pray 
To be only Yours, I pray, to be only Yours 
I know now You're my only Hope. 

Sing to me the song of the stars. 
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again. 
When it feels like my dreams are so far 
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again. 

So I lay my head back down. 
And I lift my hands and pray 
To be only Yours, I pray, to be only Yours 
I know now, You're my only Hope. 

I give You my destiny. 
I'm giving You all of me. 
I want Your symphony, singing in all that I am 
At the top of my lungs, I'm giving it back. 

So I lay my head back down. 
And I lift my hands and pray 
To be only Yours, I pray, to be only Yours 
I pray, to be only Yours 
I know now You're my only Hope. 

Prayer: Do it!

Learn to pray for your friends and loved ones from head to toe:

* Head --That they will look to You as Lord of his life. (1 Corinthians 11:3)
* Mind -- That they will have the mind of Christ and think as the Holy Spirit would lead them and not the flesh. (1 Corinthians 2:16)
* Eyes --That You will keep their eyes from temptation and that they will turn their eyes from sin. (Matthew 6:13, Mark 9:47)
* Ears -- That they will hear Your still small voice instructing them. (1 Kings 19:12, Psalm 32:8)
* Mouth -- That their words will be pleasing to You. (Proverbs 19:1)
* Neck -- That they will humble themselves before You and be strong, courageous, and careful to do everything written in Your Word so that they will be prosperous and successful. (James 4:10, Joshua 1:8-9)
* Heart -- That they will love and trust You with their whole heart. (Deuteronomy 6:5, Proverbs 3:5)
* Arms -- That You will be their strength. (Psalm 73:26)
* Hands -- That they will enjoy the work of their hands and see it as a gift from You. (Ecclesiastes 3:13, 5:19)
* Feet -- That You will order their steps and that they will walk in Your truth. (Proverbs 4:25, Psalm 26:3)

freedom

What is freedom? Where does it come from and what does it require of me?

In the first 13 chapters of Exodus we meet a nation of enslaved people. God heard their cries, sent them a leader, and took 13 chapters to get them to walk out of the city. When God set the Israelites free from the Egyptians, it wasn’t just a matter of Him setting them free and then they sat around and were just “free” in their own little lives. Their freedom required something of them. If they wanted to be free, they had to not only accept the work that God was doing in their lives, but they had to pack up their stuff and actually walk out of the city of their captivity. They had to walk away from that which held them captive. Now, you wouldn’t think that that would be a difficult decision. You might not initially think that walking away from oppression would be something you would actually have to think over, but let’s look at this a different way.

The Egyptians were holding the Israelites captive and treating them like slaves. But what if the Egyptians were holding the Israelites captive but treated them like equals or better? Would the Israelites still recognize their enslavement or would they come to an acceptance and say, “well, that’s just how things are”? It’s easy to recognize enslavement when it’s painful or oppressive. It’s easy to look at slavery and say, “that’s bad and should never happen! We should fight that.”

What if enslavement is somehow masked as something that’s not so bad? What if we are walking around this world, thinking we are completely free, but in actuality are completely enslaved? Only this isn’t any kind of slavery history has ever recognized before. It’s completely unearthly and entirely spiritual. Ephesians 6:12 (NLT) “For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.” Our freedom will not be gained by fighting people, or even by “just getting through today”. There are days when we feel like “just getting through” is doing pretty good, thank you very much. But is that the life of freedom Jesus died so that we could have? Of course not! I have a hard time believing that the Savior of the Universe DIED just so we could force ourselves to push through another day! But how do we break this dynamic we have with the world? It’s so easy to just jump on the “God bandwagon” expect to go out and conquer the world and fall flat on our faces. How do we free ourselves from this tether that the world has on us? What’s the plan?

I don’t have any magical answers that will somehow make that light bulb turn on over your head and help you see something you have never seen before. Like Paul said in 1 Timothy 1:15, “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst.” Here is what I have found in my spirit to be true. We cannot save ourselves. We cannot free ourselves. We have to let ourselves die. The Bible says, “My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me” (Gal 2:20 NLT). Crucified. Dead. No longer living. Powerless. That is what our old lives must become if we expect our new lives in Christ to gain any momentum. We simply cannot go on living our lives as we have been and still expect God to free us from those lives. We have to be willing to walk away from them. Now, we can’t always afford to walk away from our jobs, but we can walk away from the group of gossips around the coffee machine. We can’t always physically walk out of our situation the way the Israelites did, but ask and watch as God provides a place for your spirit to find freedom and rest within your stressful situation. Be willing to be changed, ask, and then watch as God takes a sinner and slave to sin and grants a freedom that no words can express!

Will you have troubles? Of course. Will you struggle on probably a daily basis? Naturally. Will people mock you and treat you badly? Probably. Will you sometimes wonder if this was a good idea? Could be. Will you be alone? Never! In your lowest valley, He is there. On your highest mountaintop, He is with you. On your way from one to the other, He travels by your side.

Romans 8:38-39 (New Living Translation)

“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

introversion

I'm an introvert....

Here's what that means....

· I'm territorial - desire private space and time
· I'm happy to be alone - I can be lonely in a crowd
· I become drained around large groups of people and generally dislike attending parties
· I need time alone to recharge
· I generally prefer to work on my own rather than do group work
· I act cautiously in meeting people
· I'm reserved, quiet, and deliberate
· I typically do not enjoy being the center of attention
· I do not share private thoughts with just anyone
· I form a few deep attachments
· I typically think carefully before speaking (practicing it in my head before I speak)
· I see reflection as very important
· I concentrate well and deeply
· I become absorbed in thoughts and ideas
· I limit my interests but explore deeply
· I communicate best one-on-one
· I get agitated and irritated without enough time alone or undisturbed
· I select activities carefully and thoughtfully

There's nothing wrong with being an introvert, but the extroverts don't always see it that way. They see me as being stuck up and smug or shy and not very bright. Anyone who knows me knows the difference, if they took the time to get to know me. I try to blend in with everyone else and be just as outgoing and easy to talk to as everyone else, but I get tired of that. I get tired of being around people so much, tired of always having to have an answer. And so I take a day off. I still chat with people, but I keep it minimal and I'm careful not to invest too much of myself. Some may see that as selfish but I see it as self-maintenance. I need this time away from people to process things, to let my mind and heart rest from the constant work of giving of myself. Many people do not really understand this need but I'm not worried about them because I know God created me this way for a purpose, for His purpose and I'm not about to tell the Creator of the Universe that He didn't do a fabulous job creating me. :-)

money is the devil

I hate money. I really do. I hate that I need it to live. Yeah, hate is a strong word and I just used it twice. I officially had my monetary breakdown tonight, even though I feel like I have more tears to shed over this. I'm struggling with a capital UGG. Car payments, rent, bills, gas, food for me and my cats... these things shouldn't dwell in my mind in such a stressful way, but they do. When I leave the job that I love and turn on my car and see the Check Engine light on and realize that there is nothing I can do about it because I can't afford a mechanic, it weighs on me. When I give my cat a bath and accidentally press too hard on one of the three tumors in her belly and cause her pain, I cry because there's nothing I can do about it. When I open my fridge and see the food supply dwindling, I stress because I can't replenish it. When I look at my bank account and see the negative numbers, I worry because I can't change that. I have applied more places than I care to mention and have not received one single job offer. I would never leave the full time job I have now, God created that job for me and I'm good at it. But ends are not meeting and I don't know what to do. And so I stress, I cry, I rob Peter to pay Paul and hope that Mary doesn't realize she didn't get paid this month. I grocery shop in my mother's cabinets and accept every offer of free food that comes along. I have swallowed more pride in the past months than I knew existed within me. I only have one rope and I feel like I've reached the end of it...

The Bible tells me not to be anxious, not to worry. But it's hard not to be anxious when basic needs are two seconds from not being met on such a consistent basis. I don't know how to live life like this. I don't know how to deal with this kind of stress. I would rather work three jobs, have no time for even sleep, than continue to live with this stress. I would rather have no time for myself because I'm literally always working than live like this. I hate struggling. I really do.

A Love Song to My Jesus

A Love Song to My Jesus

The wind brushing through the trees,

The birds chirping their songs with glee,

Ripples journeying across the water’s surface,

Hazy mountains in the distance,

A crisp, clear sky colored an inspired blue.

A brilliant tribute of blues, browns, and greens.

The humming bird at the feeder,

Two squirrels running along the branches,

A puppy searching for the perfect stick,

Sun shining down on my face.

Praise! Praise the Father! Praise the Son!

Praise the Spirit! Three in one.

Stars twinkle their lights in delight,

The moon sighs a gentle lullaby

Bidding heavy eyelids to rest.

Tides come and go in perfect rhythm,

Hearts beat out life life life.

Motions set to action by a Divine Love.

Humans take time

We spend a lot of time talking when we pray. We ask for this and that, we spend some time asking God to help others, and then we start asking things either for ourselves or for our own curiosity. Sometimes we ask God questions about what we should do in our lives or what decisions we should make. Sometimes we wait to ask until the decision really needs to be made and we expect God to answer right then! We say that we believe that everything happens in God's time and it certainly does, but when we wait until the decision absolutely needs to be made to ask God what to do, we are not giving Him or ourselves time. Now God does not need time to process things like we do. He always knows what's going to happen and what decision needs to be made, but the "His timing" part comes in with His timing on when to tell us and sometimes it takes longer because we don't listen! One would imagine that when we ask God a question, we would listen for His answer, but that's not always true. We ask questions and wait for the answer we want, not necessarily the answer we need and when we don't get the answer we want, we stop listening. So God has to bring people and circumstances and whatnot to bring us back around to His way of thinking.

Time, humans take time. We are slow and oftentimes stupid creatures and when we deny God time in our lives, we deny Him the power to change our lives. Ecclesiastes 3 says there is a time for everything. A time to be born, to die, to plant, to uproot, to kill, to live, to cry, to laugh, to mourn, to dance, to search, to give up searching.... to sit down and shut up. We hear in our churches to go out and do, to not be afraid, to learn, to grow, to teach, to blah blah blah and there is nothing wrong with any of those things. But when in all of our going and doing are we spending any time with God? When in our ministry are we intentionally communing with the One who sent us out? Jesus hand chose his disciples intentionally, He taught the lessons that He intentionally at each time and each place. He didn't just throw stuff out there hoping that someone in the crowd would get it. He knew each ear that would hear, each mind that would process, and each hand that would rise in action based on His words. We of course cannot know all these things, we're human. But God can and if we spend time with Him, He wants to tell us. To be prepared is to know the Spirit of God in any given situation. Sometimes we honestly do not have that kind of time and that's why God is God and we are not. But God wants to tell you what He's planning, if we will only sit still long enough to listen.

Hypnogaja "Looking Glass"

There's a place where the garden can take you
Through the looking glass
Find a way with the plants - they can take you
To your path
Chase away all the funny pain
Down the rabbit hole
And another world awaits behind the little door

You can go ask Alice
Just why the hatter is mad

All are welcome in Wonderland
'Till the queen screams off with your head
And life will always get twisted
When you're living it through the looking glass

There's a that cat smiles like
The crescent moon
And the caterpillar that needs a light
On top of his mushroom

You can go ask Alice
Just why the hatter is mad

Next time you see the white rabbit run free
You might not want to follow
Lose your youth, cause beauty is truth
It's just harder to swallow

So go and ask Alice
Why the hatter is mad
She'll turn when you see her
And laugh

The Surrendered Life

March 8, 2010

The Surrendered Life

I have been crucified with Christ . . . —Galatians 2:20

To become one with Jesus Christ, a person must be willing not only to give up sin, but also to surrender his whole way of looking at things. Being born again by the Spirit of God means that we must first be willing to let go before we can grasp something else. The first thing we must surrender is all of our pretense or deceit. What our Lord wants us to present to Him is not our goodness, honesty, or our efforts to do better, but real solid sin. Actually, that is all He can take from us. And what He gives us in exchange for our sin is real solid righteousness. But we must surrender all pretense that we are anything, and give up all our claims of even being worthy of God’s consideration.

Once we have done that, the Spirit of God will show us what we need to surrender next. Along each step of this process, we will have to give up our claims to our rights to ourselves. Are we willing to surrender our grasp on all that we possess, our desires, and everything else in our lives? Are we ready to be identified with the death of Jesus Christ?

We will suffer a sharp painful disillusionment before we fully surrender. When people really see themselves as the Lord sees them, it is not the terribly offensive sins of the flesh that shock them, but the awful nature of the pride of their own hearts opposing Jesus Christ. When they see themselves in the light of the Lord, the shame, horror, and desperate conviction hit home for them.

If you are faced with the question of whether or not to surrender, make a determination to go on through the crisis, surrendering all that you have and all that you are to Him. And God will then equip you to do all that He requires of you.

Taking the Next Step

March 6, 2010

Taking the Next Step

. . . in much patience, in tribulations, in needs, in distresses —2 Corinthians 6:4

When you have no vision from God, no enthusiasm left in your life, and no one watching and encouraging you, it requires the grace of Almighty God to take the next step in your devotion to Him, in the reading and studying of His Word, in your family life, or in your duty to Him. It takes much more of the grace of God, and a much greater awareness of drawing upon Him, to take that next step, than it does to preach the gospel.

Every Christian must experience the essence of the incarnation by bringing the next step down into flesh-and-blood reality and by working it out with his hands. We lose interest and give up when we have no vision, no encouragement, and no improvement, but only experience our everyday life with its trivial tasks. The thing that really testifies for God and for the people of God in the long run is steady perseverance, even when the work cannot be seen by others. And the only way to live an undefeated life is to live looking to God. Ask God to keep the eyes of your spirit open to the risen Christ, and it will be impossible for drudgery to discourage you. Never allow yourself to think that some tasks are beneath your dignity or too insignificant for you to do, and remind yourself of the example of Christ in John 13:1-17 .

Spring is in the air (I refuse to believe otherwise)

I know that it's only the beginning of March, but I want spring to be in the air so badly that I refuse to believe that it's going to snow again before summer! Daylight savings time is in a week and I'm really really ready to have some spring in my life! I need the sun on my face, the warm breeze blowing through my hair, and flipflops on my feet! I love shoes of all kinds (I am a woman after all), but in the summer, I wear flipflops and sandals... I'm ready! Toenails are painted and ready to go!

Dear God, can it be spring now?

Her terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

John 8:1-11 (New International Version)

1But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. 2At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. 3The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group 4and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" 6They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." 8Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

9At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. 10Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"

11"No one, sir," she said.
"Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."


Craig preached on this tonight at Rhythm (12/10/09) and made some fantastic points, one of which is that this story is not about the woman, that she was just a tool that the Pharisees used to try to get Jesus. And he’s right. But nothing in Scripture is wasted and so I would like to take a minute or two and talk about the woman.

Have you ever had that horrible dream where you are in some very public place like church or school or work and you are completely naked? Not a stitch of clothing on you and there is nothing that you can do about it! Some people are shocked at the sight of you and turn their heads or cover their husband’s or child’s eyes. Some people are mortified for you and shoot you looks of pity as they pass by, but never offer you any assistance. Some people are insulted as if your nakedness is a personal assault on them. And some people just laugh. Well, this woman’s worst nightmare came true. But not just in front of any person, but instead in front of a large crowd of people, in front of the religious leaders of her day, and in front of Jesus Himself! And not only was her worst nightmare coming true, it was coming true to get at someone else! Her worst nightmare was being used as a tool to try to catch an innocent man! If this woman didn’t know what it felt like to be used before, she sure knew now. Did she even realize that she was being used? And if she did, did that compound the hurt? Show me a woman who claims to have never felt used in her whole life and I will show you a liar. We’ve all felt it at some point or other, even if sometimes we don’t realize it until after the fact.

As Craig preached, I started to wonder about this woman standing there. Was she even dressed? Did they drag her out of whoever’s bed she was in and not even let her get dressed or even drag a sheet with her? Was the humiliation of being caught in the act compounded by her being naked? I don’t know but for her sake I hope she was able to get some clothes on before they flung her in front of Jesus. The Bible says that they made her “stand” in front of the crowd. Was her head hung down? Was she wringing her hands? Was she trying to cover her nakedness? And what was she thinking? Was she bargaining with God? “God, if You get me out of this, I promise that I’ll live for You!” Or was she pleading with God to spare her with the only two words she could manage, “oh God oh God oh God oh God oh God oh God oh God oh God….” Were her arms wrapped around her middle as she slightly rocked back and forth, just waiting for the first stone to fly? Or did she just want to die and get it over with? After all, we don’t know why she was committing adultery. We assume it was her choice, but since this story isn’t really about her, we’re not told her whole story.

We know that she was humiliated and her life was on the line. The stones were ready to fly right at her to kill her. But wait, no one’s throwing anything. The men who are accusing her are all looking at this other man, waiting for Him to cast judgment on her, as if waiting for His signal to let the stones fly. But He’s just drawing in the sand….. What the heck?

This poor woman! I have had some pretty bad days, but nothing I could ever go through in my lifetime could equal her terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day on that day. But little did she know that from this humiliation would come her salvation. Yes, to stand naked in front of this large crowd, all the religious leaders, and God Himself would be the ultimate humiliation. But we stand naked before God all the time; He knows everything about us, about our lives, about our hopes and dreams, and about our failures. And yet, He loves us. Even with the full knowledge of every single one of our faults, He died for us. His grace is sufficient. It was sufficient for this woman then and it is sufficient for us now and always.

Today was my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day and I can know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my life was NEVER on the line today. No one was trying to kill me and no one was trying to use me to get an innocent man.

When Jesus told to woman to go and leave her life of sin, I wonder if she cried… again… or more because I’m sure she had to have been crying the whole time she was standing there. I wonder if she was so relieved to still be alive that her knees gave away and she fell to the ground at Jesus’ feet. There are so many things I wonder about in this story, but one thing I do not wonder about and that is grace. It’s perfectly displayed here by Jesus.

“Grace. Grace. God’s grace. Grace that will pardon and cleanse within. Grace. Grace. God’s grace. Grace that is greater than all our sin.”

shattered by the fall...

Sometimes, more often than not lately, I sit at my new job, look around at the people working, the people actually doing ministry and thoughts come into my head about how I'm not actually doing ministry. What is my ministry anyway? I sit here and jump up whenever someone actually needs something? What good am I really? I get people drinks, I close the door to keep the cold out, I file stuff, I put things in folders. What good am I? I apparently can't cut straight even when I have a cutter. I'm trying not to feel useless, but I'm not really doing very much. I know that I'm capable of more but what am I doing now? Do I need to be doing something now besides reading, getting to know the staff, and loving on them? Is that my only ministry? Can I handle more or am I just not ready yet?

These thoughts are not healthy.....

This song is healthy....

Carried To The Table :

Wounded and forsaken
I was shattered by the fall
Broken and forgotten
Feeling lost and all alone
Summoned by the King
Into the Master’s courts
Lifted by the Savior
And cradled in His arms

I was carried to the table
Seated where I don’t belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don’t see my brokenness anymore
When I’m seated at the table of the Lord
I’m carried to the table
The table of the Lord

Fighting thoughts of fear
And wondering why He called my name
Am I good enough to share this cup
This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness
The Savior called my name
In His Holy presence
I’m healed and unashamed

You carried me, my God
You carried me

A new beginning

It's hard to imagine that something that I've been waiting for for what seems like a lifetime has finally arrived! The reality is that I have only been waiting for this to happen since May 2009, but it feels like much longer. Last Friday, January 29th 2010, was my last day working at Automated Horizons, Inc. After working there for two years in various jobs and learning a lot about computers (and lawyers), I'm done. It was an interesting time for me, an in-between time of doing something, but not what I really wanted to be doing.

Behold the power of specific prayer and praying in God's will: This summer I prayed for a house to live in and a job in a church. I asked specifically if my good friend Lewis could buy a house and rent it to me. I asked specifically if I could be the secretary of a church. Ladies and Germs, both of those things have happened!! Lewis bought the house that he now rents to me and two other wonderful Godly Women (SWOGs) and on Monday I start my new job as secretary to Genesis Community Church! It's hard to imagine getting something that you pray for, not because of a lack of faith, but just because when we do get our prayers answered, most of the time we are so busy being happy about it that we forget that this was something we actually prayed for! People are dumb sometimes. :-)

Another thing I would never have imagined (and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it) is the thought of staying in Roanoke, Va for this long! This was clearly not my choice. I had grand schemes of going off to the UK and not coming back for a long time. Not because I wanted to get away from anything or anyone, but just to go off and "have my own adventure". The idea of staying here just didn't really appeal to me at all. It started to feel like such a "small town" with small minded people with bad grammar. But God has given me a home here, a place to belong, a family, a community of believers that I love dearly (even though I don't know all of their names yet). I would never have imagined this!

And now for something completely different:

There are some people in my life who are desperately praying for God's will in their lives, and it feels like He's taking His time answering. But know this, God does what God wants and it is always for our good and His glory. God is not going to set you up to fail, it's not how He works! God is love, but He is also wisdom. It's easy to think that God's love is like a huge umbrella that covers us from all trouble and we can just go on our way thinking that it doesn't matter what we do because God's love has us covered. Or that His love makes Him just a little blind to our faults. God's love is not a get out of jail free card. No, my friend, believe me when I say that He sees every single one of our faults and loves us anyway but that does not mean that He doesn't desire to see something given in return. His love is a gift, a free gift. There are many verses to back that up. But shouldn't such a powerful gift, if we have truly accepted it, make a change in us? If we truly love God in response to His love for us, shouldn't we have a desire to please Him with our lives? When people do something incredibly nice for us, do we not want to reciprocate? Of course we do! Well, God allowed His only Son to die a horrible death; what shall our response be?