Moving day is nearly upon me!

So, in case you don't already know, I'm moving. Not across the state, across the country, or across the world, just across town. I'm trying like crazy to get work done at the church office, trying to pay attention at Job #2, and still trying to pack up my small world so that when saturday comes the people who are helping me move won't hate me. I'm going through closets, cabinets, nooks, and crannies, trying to get everything packed up in an organized way and I'm noticing a trend. Through the past year that I have been living at the house, when I've had something that I didn't know what to do with, or just didn't want to deal with, I just stuck it someplace where I didn't have to look at it. My hall closet has the most random assortment of stuff that I've ever seen! The drawers in the baker's rack are full of random papers, fish food, and left over Christmas candy (super gross!).

I feel there's a metaphor here... when something comes along that we don't want to deal with, our first instinct is to push it away and just try to forget about it. We stuff it in the virtual nooks and crannies of our minds and refuse to deal with it. Even when it involves someone else and they don't want to deal, we collectively stuff it in our hall closet and try to forget about it.

The problem is this: eventually those closets are either going to get full and the door will stop closing, or we'll move and have to clean out the closet quickly. Rushing through anything tends to lead to mistakes, rushing through cleaning typically means throwing things out we wanted to keep, keeping things we needed to throw out, or just packing everything and hoping we'll have time to deal with it later (essentially bringing our closet of junk with us to wherever we're moving).

What does God have to say about our tendency to stock pile our junk because we don't want to deal? I guess that depends on why we don't want to deal with it. Here are a few reasons:

Anxiety/fear. God says this, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6-7).

Doubt that God can actually handle it. Try this one on for size: 1 John 5:13-15 "I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life. This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him."

Our reasons can seem as endless as the oceans, but we need to understand that God is bigger, stronger, and more able to handle our lives than we are! So why do we struggle through our lives as if we're the only ones who can hack it? On another level, why do we try to avoid enlisting help when we finally start to unpack our closet? Embarrassment? What keeps us from grabbing a close friend or leader and ask them to go through our crap with us? No one really enjoys airing out their dirty laundry in front of others, but we are made for community, made to need each other. In trying to do everything on our own when we really need help, we're denying ourselves the joy of working in the manner for which we are created. God knows we need Him and He knows we need each other. Jesus, while on this earth, surrounded Himself with 12 men and was especially close with 3 of them. Yes, He was training them, but they were His companions. If the Savior of the universe surrounded Himself with people He trusted and loved, why don't we? Are we better than Jesus? I mean, really?

Which one will I be?

I like the disciples. Sometimes I envy them a little bit. I think, "they got to physically walk with Jesus, see His face, touch His hand, and sit next to Him." Even the thought of the total lack of personal hygiene doesn't really phase me as much as you would think. The 12 disciples got to experience physically what we get to experience spiritually. They walked with Him physically, we walk with Him spiritually. They talked with Him physically, we talk with Him spiritually. They followed Him wherever He walked, we follow His direction in our walks.

As I go through their adventures in my mind, I see the 13 of them surrounded by crowds of people. I see them sitting alone around a fire talking, telling jokes, laughing, and loving being in each other's presence. I see them walking down a hot and dusty road, Jesus striding with purpose, Peter, James, and John close at His heals (kinda like large puppies), and the rest following behind, each one lost in his own thoughts. I see Jesus being led away from the 12 by soldiers, Peter, James, and John wanting to follow but are unsure, the rest run for their lives. I see eye contact being made, unspoken words being communicated, hearts being torn.

As I think about these 12 men, I wonder what they were thinking when the soldiers came. No doubt they were frightened, but what were they expecting Jesus to do? Peter's response was pretty obvious: pull out a weapon and fight. But what did they think when Jesus replaced the man's ear and actually told Peter to cut it out? When they were running for their lives, were they having regrets about following Jesus? Were they just concerned with their own skins? Did they even think about Jesus as they ran?

When it came down to the wire, when Jesus was on the cross, of the 12 disciples who had just spent the past three years getting dusty from the sand kicked up by Jesus' sandals, only 1 stayed the course to the end. Only 1 stood at the foot of the cross, close enough to hear Jesus' words when He charged this 1 to care for His mother. Perhaps even close enough to smell the stench of blood and dirt. Perhaps even close enough to touch His feet. Of the 12 men, 10 ran away, 1 killed himself, and 1 continued to follow Jesus.

Regardless of where the 12 disciples were at that time, I can't help but wonder where I would have been.  I look up those 12 men who left their lives to follow my Jesus, I ponder their choices. When I sit and really ponder their choices on that day, the question is put to my soul, "What kind of disciple will you be? Will you let yourself take the easy way out and die? Will you run away? Will you not have the strength to make it all the way? Or will you follow Jesus, even to the cross?" With tears in my eyes, I answer, "I want to be the one who makes it. I want to be at my Savior's feet, regardless of whether they are bloody, dirty, or white as snow." I ask what I had to do to make it. And God responds clear as day, "Stay at your post. Read scripture. Love my children. Talk to Me. Use your gifts."

Which disciple will you be? Will you run? Will you die? Will you follow?

Only Hope

There's a song that's inside of my soul. 
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again 
I'm awake in the infinite cold. 
But You sing to me over and over and over again. 

So, I lay my head back down. 
And I lift my hands and pray 
To be only Yours, I pray, to be only Yours 
I know now You're my only Hope. 

Sing to me the song of the stars. 
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again. 
When it feels like my dreams are so far 
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again. 

So I lay my head back down. 
And I lift my hands and pray 
To be only Yours, I pray, to be only Yours 
I know now, You're my only Hope. 

I give You my destiny. 
I'm giving You all of me. 
I want Your symphony, singing in all that I am 
At the top of my lungs, I'm giving it back. 

So I lay my head back down. 
And I lift my hands and pray 
To be only Yours, I pray, to be only Yours 
I pray, to be only Yours 
I know now You're my only Hope. 

Prayer: Do it!

Learn to pray for your friends and loved ones from head to toe:

* Head --That they will look to You as Lord of his life. (1 Corinthians 11:3)
* Mind -- That they will have the mind of Christ and think as the Holy Spirit would lead them and not the flesh. (1 Corinthians 2:16)
* Eyes --That You will keep their eyes from temptation and that they will turn their eyes from sin. (Matthew 6:13, Mark 9:47)
* Ears -- That they will hear Your still small voice instructing them. (1 Kings 19:12, Psalm 32:8)
* Mouth -- That their words will be pleasing to You. (Proverbs 19:1)
* Neck -- That they will humble themselves before You and be strong, courageous, and careful to do everything written in Your Word so that they will be prosperous and successful. (James 4:10, Joshua 1:8-9)
* Heart -- That they will love and trust You with their whole heart. (Deuteronomy 6:5, Proverbs 3:5)
* Arms -- That You will be their strength. (Psalm 73:26)
* Hands -- That they will enjoy the work of their hands and see it as a gift from You. (Ecclesiastes 3:13, 5:19)
* Feet -- That You will order their steps and that they will walk in Your truth. (Proverbs 4:25, Psalm 26:3)

freedom

What is freedom? Where does it come from and what does it require of me?

In the first 13 chapters of Exodus we meet a nation of enslaved people. God heard their cries, sent them a leader, and took 13 chapters to get them to walk out of the city. When God set the Israelites free from the Egyptians, it wasn’t just a matter of Him setting them free and then they sat around and were just “free” in their own little lives. Their freedom required something of them. If they wanted to be free, they had to not only accept the work that God was doing in their lives, but they had to pack up their stuff and actually walk out of the city of their captivity. They had to walk away from that which held them captive. Now, you wouldn’t think that that would be a difficult decision. You might not initially think that walking away from oppression would be something you would actually have to think over, but let’s look at this a different way.

The Egyptians were holding the Israelites captive and treating them like slaves. But what if the Egyptians were holding the Israelites captive but treated them like equals or better? Would the Israelites still recognize their enslavement or would they come to an acceptance and say, “well, that’s just how things are”? It’s easy to recognize enslavement when it’s painful or oppressive. It’s easy to look at slavery and say, “that’s bad and should never happen! We should fight that.”

What if enslavement is somehow masked as something that’s not so bad? What if we are walking around this world, thinking we are completely free, but in actuality are completely enslaved? Only this isn’t any kind of slavery history has ever recognized before. It’s completely unearthly and entirely spiritual. Ephesians 6:12 (NLT) “For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.” Our freedom will not be gained by fighting people, or even by “just getting through today”. There are days when we feel like “just getting through” is doing pretty good, thank you very much. But is that the life of freedom Jesus died so that we could have? Of course not! I have a hard time believing that the Savior of the Universe DIED just so we could force ourselves to push through another day! But how do we break this dynamic we have with the world? It’s so easy to just jump on the “God bandwagon” expect to go out and conquer the world and fall flat on our faces. How do we free ourselves from this tether that the world has on us? What’s the plan?

I don’t have any magical answers that will somehow make that light bulb turn on over your head and help you see something you have never seen before. Like Paul said in 1 Timothy 1:15, “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst.” Here is what I have found in my spirit to be true. We cannot save ourselves. We cannot free ourselves. We have to let ourselves die. The Bible says, “My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me” (Gal 2:20 NLT). Crucified. Dead. No longer living. Powerless. That is what our old lives must become if we expect our new lives in Christ to gain any momentum. We simply cannot go on living our lives as we have been and still expect God to free us from those lives. We have to be willing to walk away from them. Now, we can’t always afford to walk away from our jobs, but we can walk away from the group of gossips around the coffee machine. We can’t always physically walk out of our situation the way the Israelites did, but ask and watch as God provides a place for your spirit to find freedom and rest within your stressful situation. Be willing to be changed, ask, and then watch as God takes a sinner and slave to sin and grants a freedom that no words can express!

Will you have troubles? Of course. Will you struggle on probably a daily basis? Naturally. Will people mock you and treat you badly? Probably. Will you sometimes wonder if this was a good idea? Could be. Will you be alone? Never! In your lowest valley, He is there. On your highest mountaintop, He is with you. On your way from one to the other, He travels by your side.

Romans 8:38-39 (New Living Translation)

“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

introversion

I'm an introvert....

Here's what that means....

· I'm territorial - desire private space and time
· I'm happy to be alone - I can be lonely in a crowd
· I become drained around large groups of people and generally dislike attending parties
· I need time alone to recharge
· I generally prefer to work on my own rather than do group work
· I act cautiously in meeting people
· I'm reserved, quiet, and deliberate
· I typically do not enjoy being the center of attention
· I do not share private thoughts with just anyone
· I form a few deep attachments
· I typically think carefully before speaking (practicing it in my head before I speak)
· I see reflection as very important
· I concentrate well and deeply
· I become absorbed in thoughts and ideas
· I limit my interests but explore deeply
· I communicate best one-on-one
· I get agitated and irritated without enough time alone or undisturbed
· I select activities carefully and thoughtfully

There's nothing wrong with being an introvert, but the extroverts don't always see it that way. They see me as being stuck up and smug or shy and not very bright. Anyone who knows me knows the difference, if they took the time to get to know me. I try to blend in with everyone else and be just as outgoing and easy to talk to as everyone else, but I get tired of that. I get tired of being around people so much, tired of always having to have an answer. And so I take a day off. I still chat with people, but I keep it minimal and I'm careful not to invest too much of myself. Some may see that as selfish but I see it as self-maintenance. I need this time away from people to process things, to let my mind and heart rest from the constant work of giving of myself. Many people do not really understand this need but I'm not worried about them because I know God created me this way for a purpose, for His purpose and I'm not about to tell the Creator of the Universe that He didn't do a fabulous job creating me. :-)

money is the devil

I hate money. I really do. I hate that I need it to live. Yeah, hate is a strong word and I just used it twice. I officially had my monetary breakdown tonight, even though I feel like I have more tears to shed over this. I'm struggling with a capital UGG. Car payments, rent, bills, gas, food for me and my cats... these things shouldn't dwell in my mind in such a stressful way, but they do. When I leave the job that I love and turn on my car and see the Check Engine light on and realize that there is nothing I can do about it because I can't afford a mechanic, it weighs on me. When I give my cat a bath and accidentally press too hard on one of the three tumors in her belly and cause her pain, I cry because there's nothing I can do about it. When I open my fridge and see the food supply dwindling, I stress because I can't replenish it. When I look at my bank account and see the negative numbers, I worry because I can't change that. I have applied more places than I care to mention and have not received one single job offer. I would never leave the full time job I have now, God created that job for me and I'm good at it. But ends are not meeting and I don't know what to do. And so I stress, I cry, I rob Peter to pay Paul and hope that Mary doesn't realize she didn't get paid this month. I grocery shop in my mother's cabinets and accept every offer of free food that comes along. I have swallowed more pride in the past months than I knew existed within me. I only have one rope and I feel like I've reached the end of it...

The Bible tells me not to be anxious, not to worry. But it's hard not to be anxious when basic needs are two seconds from not being met on such a consistent basis. I don't know how to live life like this. I don't know how to deal with this kind of stress. I would rather work three jobs, have no time for even sleep, than continue to live with this stress. I would rather have no time for myself because I'm literally always working than live like this. I hate struggling. I really do.

A Love Song to My Jesus

A Love Song to My Jesus

The wind brushing through the trees,

The birds chirping their songs with glee,

Ripples journeying across the water’s surface,

Hazy mountains in the distance,

A crisp, clear sky colored an inspired blue.

A brilliant tribute of blues, browns, and greens.

The humming bird at the feeder,

Two squirrels running along the branches,

A puppy searching for the perfect stick,

Sun shining down on my face.

Praise! Praise the Father! Praise the Son!

Praise the Spirit! Three in one.

Stars twinkle their lights in delight,

The moon sighs a gentle lullaby

Bidding heavy eyelids to rest.

Tides come and go in perfect rhythm,

Hearts beat out life life life.

Motions set to action by a Divine Love.

Humans take time

We spend a lot of time talking when we pray. We ask for this and that, we spend some time asking God to help others, and then we start asking things either for ourselves or for our own curiosity. Sometimes we ask God questions about what we should do in our lives or what decisions we should make. Sometimes we wait to ask until the decision really needs to be made and we expect God to answer right then! We say that we believe that everything happens in God's time and it certainly does, but when we wait until the decision absolutely needs to be made to ask God what to do, we are not giving Him or ourselves time. Now God does not need time to process things like we do. He always knows what's going to happen and what decision needs to be made, but the "His timing" part comes in with His timing on when to tell us and sometimes it takes longer because we don't listen! One would imagine that when we ask God a question, we would listen for His answer, but that's not always true. We ask questions and wait for the answer we want, not necessarily the answer we need and when we don't get the answer we want, we stop listening. So God has to bring people and circumstances and whatnot to bring us back around to His way of thinking.

Time, humans take time. We are slow and oftentimes stupid creatures and when we deny God time in our lives, we deny Him the power to change our lives. Ecclesiastes 3 says there is a time for everything. A time to be born, to die, to plant, to uproot, to kill, to live, to cry, to laugh, to mourn, to dance, to search, to give up searching.... to sit down and shut up. We hear in our churches to go out and do, to not be afraid, to learn, to grow, to teach, to blah blah blah and there is nothing wrong with any of those things. But when in all of our going and doing are we spending any time with God? When in our ministry are we intentionally communing with the One who sent us out? Jesus hand chose his disciples intentionally, He taught the lessons that He intentionally at each time and each place. He didn't just throw stuff out there hoping that someone in the crowd would get it. He knew each ear that would hear, each mind that would process, and each hand that would rise in action based on His words. We of course cannot know all these things, we're human. But God can and if we spend time with Him, He wants to tell us. To be prepared is to know the Spirit of God in any given situation. Sometimes we honestly do not have that kind of time and that's why God is God and we are not. But God wants to tell you what He's planning, if we will only sit still long enough to listen.

Hypnogaja "Looking Glass"

There's a place where the garden can take you
Through the looking glass
Find a way with the plants - they can take you
To your path
Chase away all the funny pain
Down the rabbit hole
And another world awaits behind the little door

You can go ask Alice
Just why the hatter is mad

All are welcome in Wonderland
'Till the queen screams off with your head
And life will always get twisted
When you're living it through the looking glass

There's a that cat smiles like
The crescent moon
And the caterpillar that needs a light
On top of his mushroom

You can go ask Alice
Just why the hatter is mad

Next time you see the white rabbit run free
You might not want to follow
Lose your youth, cause beauty is truth
It's just harder to swallow

So go and ask Alice
Why the hatter is mad
She'll turn when you see her
And laugh