Monday, June 14, 2010

money is the devil

I hate money. I really do. I hate that I need it to live. Yeah, hate is a strong word and I just used it twice. I officially had my monetary breakdown tonight, even though I feel like I have more tears to shed over this. I'm struggling with a capital UGG. Car payments, rent, bills, gas, food for me and my cats... these things shouldn't dwell in my mind in such a stressful way, but they do. When I leave the job that I love and turn on my car and see the Check Engine light on and realize that there is nothing I can do about it because I can't afford a mechanic, it weighs on me. When I give my cat a bath and accidentally press too hard on one of the three tumors in her belly and cause her pain, I cry because there's nothing I can do about it. When I open my fridge and see the food supply dwindling, I stress because I can't replenish it. When I look at my bank account and see the negative numbers, I worry because I can't change that. I have applied more places than I care to mention and have not received one single job offer. I would never leave the full time job I have now, God created that job for me and I'm good at it. But ends are not meeting and I don't know what to do. And so I stress, I cry, I rob Peter to pay Paul and hope that Mary doesn't realize she didn't get paid this month. I grocery shop in my mother's cabinets and accept every offer of free food that comes along. I have swallowed more pride in the past months than I knew existed within me. I only have one rope and I feel like I've reached the end of it...

The Bible tells me not to be anxious, not to worry. But it's hard not to be anxious when basic needs are two seconds from not being met on such a consistent basis. I don't know how to live life like this. I don't know how to deal with this kind of stress. I would rather work three jobs, have no time for even sleep, than continue to live with this stress. I would rather have no time for myself because I'm literally always working than live like this. I hate struggling. I really do.

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