Thursday, December 18, 2008
environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,
non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the WINTER SOLSTICE holiday,
practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion
of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the
religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice
not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
In addition, please also accept best wishes for a fiscally successful,
personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset
of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect
for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to
society have helped make this country great (not to imply that this
country is necessarily greater than any other country or area of choice),
and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability,
religious faith or sexual orientation of the wishers.
This wish is limited to the customary and usual good tidings for a period
of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting,
whichever comes first. " Holiday " is not intended to, nor shall it be
considered, limited to the usual Judeo-Christian celebrations or
observances, or to such activities of any organized or ad hoc religious
community, group, individual or belief (or lack thereof).
Note: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This
greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal, and is revocable at
the sole discretion of the wisher at any time, for any reason or for no
reason at all. This greeting is freely transferable with no alteration to
the original greeting. This greeting implies no promise by the wisher to
actually implement any of the wishes for the wisher her/himself or others,
or responsibility for the consequences which may arise from the
implementation or non-implementation of it.
This greeting is void where prohibited by law.
Please check with your physician before accepting this, or any other
Or we could just say: MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!
Love called out, "Richness, can you take me with you?"
Richness answered, "No I can't... There is a lot of gold in my boat and no room for you."
Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel, "Vanity, please help me!"
"I can't help you, Love, you are all wet and will ruin my boat", Vanity answered.
Sadness was close by so Love asked for help, "Sadness, let me go with you!"
"Love, I'm so sad that I need to be by myself!"
Happiness passed by Love too, but she was so happy that she didn't even hear Love call to her!
Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come, Love, I will take you."
It was an elder! Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that he forgot to ask the elder her name. When they arrived in dry land, the elder went her own way. Love realized how much he owed the elder.
Love ran to Knowledge, another elder, he asked, "Who was that who helped me?"
"It was Time," Knowledge replied.
"Time?" asked Love, "but why did Time help me?"
Knowledge smiled and answered, "Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28 NIV)
Friend to Friend
Have you ever had a shattered dream? If so, you're not alone.
If ever there was a group of people who lost their dream, it was Jesus' disciples and the women who ministered to and with them. They had such high expectations that Jesus would be the next political leader of Israel (Luke 24:20). They had witnessed his power in feeding 5,000 men plus women and children with two loaves and five fishes; they felt the waves beneath their tiny boat subside at his command; they had watched him breathe life into a lifeless child, open the eyes of a man blind from birth, create new skin from rotting flesh on the limbs of lepers, and command a lame man to take up his pallet and walk. They had seen him walk on water, outwit the Pharisees, and win the lost.
In their narrow scope of hopes for a political leader to save the Jews, they missed the bigger picture of God's plan for a Savior to free mankind from the bondage of sin. While Peter realized Jesus' identity ("You are the Christ."), he did not understand His destiny. Peter was shocked when Jesus explained that He had to go to Jerusalem, suffer, be killed, and on the third day rise from the dead. He even took Jesus aside and said, "Never, Lord. This shall never happen to you!" (Mark 8:33). This was not part of Peter's dream. Suffering did not fit into his plan.
"Jesus turned and said to Peter, "Get behind me Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men."
Call me stupid, but don't call me Satan. Yet, that is how Jesus sees it when we try to block God's plans. He sees us as an instrument of darkness, an offense, a hindrance and a snare. It is amazing that one minute Peter could be a building block and the next a stumbling block but that's the trap we all fall into when we have our minds set on the world instead of on the things of God.
Jesus told His disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself, take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life, will lose it, but whoever lose his life for me will find it." (Matthew 16:24)
Even though Jesus forewarned the disciples of his death and resurrection, they fled when the soldiers came to arrest him, and they hid when he was hung on a cross to die. When Jesus was sealed in the tomb, their hopes and dreams were sealed in the darkness with him.
Every day, I receive emails from women who have had their dreams shattered. A husband has an affair, becomes addicted to pornography, abuses the children, or deserts the family. A child gets caught with drugs, gets pregnant or dies in a car accident. Parents divorce, friends betray, careers come to an abrupt halt. The list is endless. So what do we do when our dreams are seemingly destroyed? The answer to that question will shape the rest of our lives.
Does that mean we give up our dreams? I can promise you this, whatever dreams you have for your life, God's dreams are greater. The power of the Holy Spirit the disciples received after Jesus' resurrection, and the impact they made on the world thereafter, was beyond their wildest dreams. That's what God does with a heart wholly yielded to Him. That's what He does when we give our shattered dreams to Him. I have learned to stop saying "Why me?" but instead start saying "What now?"
Dear Lord, there are things about my life that I don't understand, but I do know this. You are good and You are kind. I thank You that nothing happens in my life that is a surprise to You. You have a greater plan than my small vision can imagine. I pray that You will reveal that larger plan for my life to me. Help me to pay attention to Your promptings and obey Your bidding.
In Jesus' name, Amen.
Now It's Your Turn
Think back over your life and list two or three dreams that did not turn out like you thought they would.
Is there a prayer request or dream in your life that, in retrospect, you are glad God did respond to affirmatively?
Write down any areas of your life where you have said, "Why me?" and are now willing to say,"What now?"
Place yourself in the disciples' sandals for just a moment. How do you think you would have felt the night Jesus died on the cross?
How do you think you would have felt the day you saw Him walk into the room ... resurrected from the dead?
How would that experience have affected the way you viewed trials in your life from that time forward?
Now, how should that affect the way you see trials today?
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name, you are mine" (Isaiah 43:1 NASB).
Friend to Friend
Over the years, several people in my life never seem to remember my name. A few of my more popular aliases are Sarah James, Susan James, Shannon James, and Jane Jaynes. Then there are the people who just can't remember me altogether and don't even try to fish a name from their memory pool. To tell you the truth, I'm not very good with names either.
However, names are very important to God. In the Bible, a person's name revealed a unique quality of their character. Moses meant "drawn out of water." Ruth meant "woman friend." Naomi meant "pleasant," and she changed it to "Mara" which meant "bitter." Her two sons' names meant "Puny" and Piney." Evidently, these two fellows weren't exactly strapping young he-men, and both died at an early age. If a person had an encounter with the living God, many times He changed their name to fit the experiences He had planned for their futures. Abram was changed to Abraham. Sarai was changed to Sarah. Saul was changed to Paul.
Yes, names are very important. That's why when someone very dear to me forgot mine, it broke my heart.
My father accepted Jesus as his Savior when I was 21 years old. The transformation I saw in him was nothing short of miraculous. One of the benefits that I received was that he learned how to love me. In my father's later years, we had a very tender and dear relationship. But it was short lived.
A few years after dad committed his life to Christ, I noticed him becoming very forgetful. At first, it was small idiosyncrasies: forgetting an order at work, misplacing his shoes or keys, not remembering what day it was, drawing a blank on a close friend's name. Then it progressed to more serious absent-minded behavior: forgetting where he parked in a parking deck (and even which parking deck), coming home to take my mother to the market forgetting he had already taken her an hour before, and becoming confused when taking measurements for cabinets which he had been doing for over forty years. In 1987, our greatest fears were confirmed. Dad had Alzheimer's disease. He was fifty-six-years-old.
My dad had been a tough cookie as a young man. From the time he was fifty-six to sixty-six, I watched a competent, quick witted entrepreneur reduced to a man who could not remember how to speak, button his shirt or move a spoon from his plate to his mouth. But what pained me the most was the day he forgot my name.
I still remember holding his face in my hands and saying, "Daddy, it's me. Do you know who I am?" But I was only met by a childish grin and eyes that seemed to look straight through me.
Names. They are important. In Isaiah 43:1, God says, "Fear not, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name, you are mine" (NASB). In Isaiah 49:1, the prophet announces, "Before I was born, the LORD called me; from my birth he has made mention of my name" (NIV).
As God's child, He has called you by name and the Bible promises He will never forget it. Your name is engraved on the palm of His hand (Isaiah 49:16).
On a Friday morning in May of 1996, the Lord graciously came and took my earthly father to his new home in glory. He's probably up there right now measuring for cabinets and working on all those mansions we've read so much about. His memory has been restored and I look forward to the day when my earthly father and my heavenly Father welcome me with open arms and say, "Welcome, Sharon, my daughter, my child."
Dear Father, sometimes when I think of you calling my name, I am moved to tears. You know my name! You have it engraved in the palm of your hand. Thank you Lord that you will never forget me. In Jesus' precious name, Amen
Now It's Your Turn
As we have seen, names are important. The most important name in the universe is God's name. Do you ever say His name flippantly or without reverence? ("Oh my God," for example.)
How do you think God feels about His name being used as an explicative? (Exodus 20:7) Make a commitment today to speak God's name in reverence and holiness.
What does it mean to you that God knows you by name?
Write a prayer of thanksgiving to God expressing the joy of knowing that your name is engraved on the palm of His hand.
Monday, November 10, 2008
But there is a freedom that is infinite, limitless, without boundaries, and from a source of never-ending power and knowledge: God. Regardless of our past, He freed us. From what? From anything and everything that hinders our communication with Him. Our sin, our past disappointments, our failures (see Romans 6-8). There is nothing that can separate the Christian from God! The price for this freedom was paid long ago by Jesus who died for us. One sacrifice, one man's blood shed for all, future and past.
Impossible you say? Fantastical? Want proof? Look at the people who follow Him for the thousands of years people have followed Him. Would so many people follow a god who wasn't real for this long? Would people risk there lives for thousands of years for a god who didn't exist? Look at this universe and see His power radiating from every corner of it!
I'm not going to try to prove that God exists, He has already done that through nature, through this universe, and through His own power manifested in these things. No, He exists.
Here are just a few places that the Bible talks about freedom. Find a verse that means something to you and claim it! Claim His freedom as His child and know that Satan has no hold on you and sin cannot touch you! You are free!! Claim your freedom!!
In my anguish I cried to the LORD, and he answered by setting me free.
I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free.
I will walk about in freedom, for I have sought out your precepts.
The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
because he has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
and recovery of sight for the blind,
to release the oppressed,
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.
Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.
So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.
2 Corinthians 3:17
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
In him [Christ] and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Horatio: Heaven will direct it.
~from Hamlet by William Shakespeare
In the above quote, Marcellus and Horatio are talking about Hamlet's seeming insanity in allowing the ghost of his father lead him away. Horatio knows that something is wrong, not only with Hamlet and the fact that there is a ghost appearing to him, but with the country. He knows that something must change in order for the country to continue and not be overthrown by their enemies. In saying "Heaven will direct it" he is saying that he's not quite sure how to fix it (although he has already displayed that he has ideas about it and will in the future work to save his beloved Denmark) but he knows that God has Denmark in His hands and will direct its course of action if the leaders allow Him.
"In just a few days, I’ll be voting for Senator Barack Obama in hopes that he will become the next President of the United States. I think he is the best politician in the race who will work to solve issues that divide us and who will try to build a consensus around our shared values, dreams, and ideals."
This is the opening paragraph of the post of Jennifer, a friend of mine. I very much respect her opinion and she has worded this so eloquently that I cannot add to it in any way without detracting from it.
Notice that she says the Obama is the "best politician in the race", not the only politician. I think her wording here is very important because admits that there are other politicians in this race who possibly could work towards solving the issues we now face, but that he is simply the best choice we have.
When I first started thinking about who I was going to vote for, I was on the fence. There are things I agree and disagree with in both the major party's platforms. And in the end, I had to do what Jennifer did, pick the best person. The person who I thought would handle our current situation best, and that is Obama.
Now, I know a majority of my friends, and probably all of my family are going to disagree with me, and that's fine. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Just remember that everyone is entitled to their opinion! I'm not forcing my political views on you and I expect the same courtesy from you. I'm not afraid to talk about my views, but neither will I argue about them with you. I have not now, nor will I ever be the kind of person who argues (if you know me, you know just how non-confrontational I am).
But I am firm on this: I'm voting for Obama because I believe that he is the best politician in the current race to handle our current situation. This doesn't mean that I agree with every single little thing he stands for (see Jennifer's post), it simply means that I believe that he is the best man for the job at this time.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
1. I would prefer to be 30 minutes early than 5 minutes late to just about anything except parties.
2. When eating chips or crackers, I lick all of the salt/spices off before I eat the cracker/chip.
3. I would quit my job to go write books if I thought I stood half a chance at getting anything published and actually making a living at it.
4. In an entire family of Republicans, I'm the only one who will vote across party lines based on the issues.
5. If I had all the time in the world, I would read. I would read fiction, nonfiction, creative nonfiction (yes, that is an actual genre), just about anything. And then I would write and imitate the style of the author that I just read.
6. I think it would be awesome if all my friends, regardless of race, creed, or religion, would get along and see me as I really am.
(I know, I'm really reaching for that last one)
- Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
- Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
- When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience.
- Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
- Take naps and stretch before rising.
- Run, romp, and play daily.
- Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
- Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.
- On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
- On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
- When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
- No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends.
- Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
- Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
- Be loyal.
- Never pretend to be something you're not.
- If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
- When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Monday, October 13, 2008
2008 has been a year of changes for me. Most of them have been amazing! I've moved from being on my own, to living with my parents, to living on my own again with my wonderful roommate! I've gone from not knowing what I wanted out of life, to finding a path the follow that I know will lead me in the right way. I've spent time in tears, I've spent time in side-splitting laughter, and I've spent time in contemplation and here's what I've come up with:
Everything has a price of some kind.
In our free-gift-with-purchase society, people love to find free things, even if it's something they don't really need. More often than not, the things we really need are not free, and in most cases, are not cheap. Things of worth are often quite pricey.
Choices also have a cost, and not just the choices about what to buy, what to wear, or what to say. The choice of what to believe also has a cost, and most often, this has the highest cost of all. This choice could cost friends, family, and lifestyle. The real question you have to ask yourself is this: is it worth it? Are your personal beliefs worth losing a friend or a family member? Are they worth changing your entire lifestyle and "coming clean" with all the people who had been involved in that lifestyle with you?
Personally, my answers is yes. Because it has to be. I have to believe that the choices I make now, for eternity, are worth the struggles that I face here and now. The loss of a very dear friend, not by death but by their choice to walk away, has been the cost of my choice. It was certainly their choice to walk away and I will respect their choices as I hoped they would have respected mine, but that does not mean that I forget them, stop thinking about them, or stop loving them the same as I always have. Unfortunately that does not make the pain caused by the loss any less great. But instead of wallowing in self-pity or changing what I believe in order to win that friend back (as I would have done a year ago), I find comfort in the knowledge that my eternity is set and the Ruler of that eternity has the whole situation under complete control. It's a strange feeling to be mourning the loss of a dear friend (who really hates me now) while at the same time, being able to smile and know that it's alright. That God knows about the whole situation and that He is continuing to work where I cannot anymore.
So the cost of my most recent choice was a friend. What will the next cost be? I don't know. Will it be worth it? If the cause is for eternity, yes.
My prayers will always be with you, Friend. Always.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
by Shanna Bryant
A Nonfiction Piece
Last Thursday I was walking from my car on Church to the Post Office. I noticed a rather creepy man walking toward me, I paid no real attention to him, as there are creepy people downtown quite often. I walked into the Post Office, got my mail and put my deposit together. When I walked out of the Post Office, he was standing with his back against the column, smoking a cig. Again, I noticed him but didn’t fret too much. “Creepy guy can’t walk and smoke at the same time” I thought to myself. I walked back across the street to the bank and up to the ATM. I felt him move to follow and looked back to confirm my suspicions. He was indeed walking in the same direction I was going. I stopped at the ATM and put in my deposit. I always stand very close to the screen because (1) no one else needs to know my business, and (2) the sun was glaring in the screen. I turned around and he was standing so close to me and gasped and stepped back. He didn’t say anything to me, just stared. I walked around him, practically ran to my car, and drove away (which probably was not wise because now he knows what I drive and as cute as the little Bug is, it’s not exactly stealthy).
Friday morning, we went through the same routine, although he gave me some space at the ATM and just stood back against the pillar and smoked (I cannot accurately describe how bad this man smells!).
Friday afternoon I met a friend for lunch at the Market downtown and he stood up in the balcony and watched us eat. He followed us halfway to our cars but stopped when I turned around and looked directly at him to let him know that I knew he was there. He then turned around and walked away. My friend's father is a policeman and when she stopped by the station later that day to say hello, she heard on his radio about a man of his description being arrested for “misbehaving with a civilian”. If it was him, he’s out. He walked by my office door today, but I didn’t see him downtown because I changed the time that I go in order to avoid him.
I cannot put into words how creepy this guy is! When I look into his eyes, I can see that he is unstable. His hair is buzz cut, but there are scabby bald spots where it looks like hair has been pulled out by force. He gives me a VERY bad vibe that I just can’t get past!
So yeah, I’m going to get some Mace.
When Jim started speaking to me again, it was as if nothing had ever happened between us, as if I had never even thought to tell him that I thought he was wrong about that girl. This became our song and dance. He would say or do something to someone else that I thought was wrong and for some I reason couldn’t keep my mouth shut. (I never once stood up for myself though.) He would get mad and yell at me, throwing everything from the “you-don’t-really-love-me”
Pop wasn’t getting any better. I tried to spend more time with him when Jim was at work or occupying his time with the new twins. Whatever medicines Pop was on had the unfortunate side effect of making him lose some of his memory, specifically, of who people were. I had to start off every visit with him by introducing myself; a truly odd feeling, introducing yourself to your own grandfather. And even after I told him who I was, it was nearly impossible to have a conversation with him.
“Who are you?” he would ask.
“I’m Shanna, your granddaughter” I would say.
“You’re a nice girl” was always the reply.
Then it happened, the fight to end all fights between me and Jim. I thought he was treating someone else unfairly (as usual) but this time it dealt with Amber, so she was in on it too. It was two against one. I was the one.
“I’ve had it with you Shanna! You’re so mean-spirited and ignorant that I can barely stand to even be around you!”
“Yeah!” said Amber, always the articulate one.
Whenever I couldn’t stand to be around Jim or any of the cult group anymore, and didn’t want to go home for fear my mother would try to make me eat something, I went to the hospital to see Pop. I walked into his room, fully expecting to have to introduce myself to him yet again, but when I stepped up to his bed, he looked up at me with eyes that knew me! He wasn’t back to his old self again, but he knew who I was!
“Hey Baby” he said in his now customary weak voice.
“Hiya” I said softly, with tears forming in my eyes.
“Hey, what’s wrong, honey? Why the water works?”
“Oh, I just had a fight with Jim and I think we’re breaking up.”
“Good. I never liked him anyway!”
I laughed. Pop could always size a man by the strength of his handshake. He said Jim’s was “wimpy.”
“Baby” he started looking me up and down. “You are getting too skinny too fast. I may be on more drugs then I care to count, but I can still see that you are unhappy and unhealthy. And believe me, I know unhealthy!” He chuckled a little at his own bad joke.
“Oh Pop” was all I could manage to say.
“Now listen Baby, you are a beautiful person. You have an inner strength that will get you through anything life throws at you. Remember that. You have me, you have your grandmother, and you have your mom and dad who all love you very much and know that you will do the right thing.”
By this time I was crying so hard I couldn’t even see him anymore. I blinked away the tears and looked at my Pop. This weak man was no longer the young Marine Sergeant who went behind enemy lines in Korea to save civilians, no longer the man who spent hours every weekend perfecting his golf swing but never playing in a single event; he didn’t even have that sparkle in his eye that I came to rely on. But he knew me. He knew me better than Jim ever could or would. I will never know how and why he came out of his drug-induced stupor to say those words to me or why those words had such an impact on me. Maybe it was a fluke, maybe it was because I so desperately needed him right then, or maybe it was divine.
“Thanks Pop. I love you,” was all I could say.
Pop died two months later, the night before we were going to bring him home. I think Grandma knew that it was going to happen, that he wouldn’t ever be home again. I was sad that I had lost my friend, but happy that he was out of pain. The funeral was announced in the paper and people from all over came to pay their respects. I didn’t know that so many people knew my grandfather and frankly I found the crowd a little annoying, but I was happy they were there for my grandmother’s sake. She seemed pleased.
We went to the cemetery where Pop received a military funeral with the folded American flag, trumpet and everything. I didn’t know they did that for veterans. Afterward we all went back to my grandparent’s house and talked. One of the best things about my family is that even in the worst of times we can find something to laugh about. My uncle started telling the story of Pop catching him and my father in the barn with a pack of cigarettes and making them smoke the whole pack right then and there. Both boys got sick and neither ever touched a cigarette again.
The next day I gathered up the courage I didn’t know I had until then, courage Pop would have been proud of, and broke it off with Jim. He acted surprised. We talked for over an hour in his study (Yes, he had a study) and parted on as good of terms as I thought were possible.
“I don’t mean this is to be hurtful, but if I never see you again, I’ll be just fine” were the last words I ever said to him.
He nodded. I went and ate five pancakes.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
“Shanna, I don’t like what’s going on with you.” Pop said one day in the hospital.
“What do you mean, Pop? There’s nothing going on.” I never was good at lying.
“I have cancer, Baby, but I’m not blind.”
I loved it when he used that nickname for me. Although I wasn’t the youngest of his grandchildren, I was the only girl and that made me special to him and him to me. I honestly do not remember how I got out of finishing that conversation with him, but I did. Maybe someone came in the room and interrupted us. Maybe he just got too tired, as he often did, but we were not to finish that conversation for another month.
Jim’s Cult grew to include two girls, twins, who became my arch rivals for Jim’s attention. The twins were tall, slender, blonde, green-eyed girls. Every man’s fantasy or so Jim told me when he introduced me to them. Ashley and Amber were everything Jim told me I should be (even though they reminded me of the twins from The Shining). The problem of how to grow taller eluded me, but I had now lost 45 pounds.
“Don’t you EVER contradict me in front of the group again, Shanna! You have no appreciation for how much I take care of you, for how much I do for you! No one isever going to love you with that attitude! Sometimes I don’t even know why I do! You are so lucky to have me!” Jim was upset again. I had stood up for another girl that he made cry. I didn’t know that thinking he was wrong was such a crime. But then, it was the first time I had ever done so. I tearfully apologized saying it would never happen again. Jim didn’t speak to me for the next two days.
“You look almost as bad as I do.”
“Thanks a lot, Pop.”
“Well, you do.”
Friday, August 22, 2008
Now you may be asking yourself, did this poor girl have no other friends who could see how damaging this guy was to her? I did have other friends but they were the other people in Jim’s little cult. He told me once that we were his “experiment” in that he wanted to stretch his “leader’s muscles” and see just how far he could “take this thing” and he told us that he didn’t want us to have any other friends who were not in the group or, if we did and didn’t want to drop them, we should bring them into the group. There were about 15 of us in the group that year and every single girl wore black, had long hair, and most had green eyes, none of them real. Unfortunately for me, I was the heaviest of them all and was made to feel out of place and sometimes completely unwanted because of it. Sometimes it felt like Jim was dating all of us at once and I was not special at all.
Meanwhile, for three months Pop went from one doctor to another, trying desperately to figure out what was wrong, why he was so sick. By the time the doctors had nailed down that it was cancer, it was too late to do anything about it except make him “more comfortable.” Apparently, this version of comfortable included lots of drugs and never leaving the hospital again. It was hardest on my grandmother.
The four places I went that year were Jim’s house, the hospital, class, and work. And work was no great distraction because Jim would come and sit in the local Dairy Queen’s dining room and read until I got off my shift. I found that it is very hard to starve yourself while working in a fast food restaurant. Not only because of all the food surrounding you, but also because you have to have energy and I had none. One night I was working late and when making a fast turn from the drive-through window, the room suddenly began to spin and darkness closed in on me. I fell to my knees, catching myself with my hands on the floor. My stomach growled. After that I always made sure not to make too many sudden movements.
I thought Jim was as much a part of my life as my own heart was a part of my body; I couldn’t live without either. But it wasn’t all roses and happiness. No, Jim needed complete control in his world and when he didn’t get it he got upset. He had that magical power to say only the shortest of sentences and make a girl feel like she had just killed her own mother.
“You could lose a little weight” he would say in such an easy manner and then go on to compare me to someone beautiful and perfect like Julia Roberts and say that I could be like her if I only tried hard enough. I tried. I lost 35 pounds for Jim. Right under the noses of my family (and Jim), I starved myself. I would eat little things when people were watching or claim that I had already eaten and couldn’t possibly eat again, and only one person said anything about it.
I've Daddy's nose.
Before I came
He'd two I s'pose?
She always adds,
"And what is more,
You've Mother's eyes"-
Did she have four?
They say I've got
My mouth and chin
From Grandma's husband:
He died before
I came, you see-
And must have willed
Them both to me!
About my hair,
For Daddy's head
Is kind of bare.
But what I'd like
To really know-
What puzzles me
And tried me so...
Is- Am I just
Some odds and ends,
Parts of my relatives
Or do you think
That it can be
There's something left
That's really ME?
~ Shel Silverstein
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Generic Disclaimer: I never said I was good.
The year I starved myself was the best year of my life. That was also the year my grandfather died of cancer and I broke up with my boyfriend. How could any of this possibly be good? Am I being sarcastic? Crazy? No, I am being serious. This year, the year of starvation, abuse, and death was the best year of my life.
The year began with the typical jollies of New Year’s and the beginning of undergraduate classes as normal. What was not normal in my world at that time was a man, Jim, who changed my life forever. Jim and I met when I visited a church and we hit it off. Jim was not the typical guy. He was the tall, dark, good-looking-in-a-mysterio
My mother hated Jim and I should have taken that as some kind of indication of his character, but I didn’t. What girl listens to her mother when she really doesn’t have to? Jim and I started seeing each other more and more until I spent almost all of my time with him. And when I wasn’t with him, I was thinking about him. Infatuation is not a strong enough word for what I was feeling. I was standing at his door like some maniacal girl scout trying make a quota.In a word: obsessed.
Jim had a special talent. He could get anyone to do anything if the cause is strong enough. He also had to be in complete control of everything and everyone around him and the closer you are to him, the more control he demanded. Unfortunately for me, Jim knew of his particular personality traits and used them to his advantage. He definitely had me in his thrall. During the year that we went out, I changed my entire wardrobe to black because Jim said it made me look thinner. I let my hair grow out because Jim liked girls with long hair. I went to church because Jim liked “church girls.” I got green tinted contacts because Jim liked green-eyed girls. I starved myself because Jim said I was fat. Beginning at about 200 pounds, I lost 15 pounds in the first month.
I was so used to having a clear, defined goal. Pass this class, get an A, take another class, get another A, and then graduate. Everything in my life had been working towards graduation and once that had happened, I was supposed to go off and start something new. But what was new? There was nothing new. I had worked my way through college, so having a job was not new at all. Graduate School! That was new and not something I had considered until that point. And so I went. I took the classes, I got the A's, and I graduated. A Master's degree in English. What an accomplishment! Look at all I can now achieve that I have this pretty piece of paper on the wall that says I took classes and am supposed to be a smart person, or at least an educated individual. But what was I really? I was mindless. I was following a dream that I didn't realize wasn't mine! I mean, sure, it was a cool idea. Get a PhD in English and be the English professor that everyone talked about because they were just either so awesome or so different that everyone wanted to take their classes, even though they were really hard. I wanted to be the professor that worked the students the hardest and as a result, the students produced their best work ever! I wanted to teach them how to think. But what did I think? How did I think? Did I think?
And so in January I started looking for something new and found it in my past.
In my past, I grew up in the church, spent most of my life in one (or several), and had a good life in it. But then something happened. Someone happened. He came in guise of being a friend and someone I could trust and turned out to be a tyrant. A cult leader. And I was his follower. He said he liked black, suddenly I only owned black clothing. He liked girls with long hair, I grew mine out. He spoke harsh words, I was instantly contrite. I once wrote a short story about him in my Non-Fiction writing class and had all of the guys in the class ready to deck him and all the girls in the class ready to hide from him-- both of which are valid reactions and I wanted to do both over the course of three years.
For three years I was a stool pigeon. I was a door mat. I don't remember most of it because it's not worth remembering. But that experience made me not want to see the inside of a church sanctuary ever again, much less get involved with any people at said church. Sure, there were a few good things that came out of that. My sister for example- a VERY good result. But does the good outweigh the bad? Who can say?
But January 2008 brought a new need to my life. I had a degree, I had friends, I had a loving family, but I had no peace in my heart. I was anxious all the time, and yet apathetic. I cared about my friends and family, but not about myself and certainly not about my future. How was I supposed to survive in this world without any peace?! I'm not talking about anything too "high and religious" here, I'm just talking about the ability to look at yourself in the mirror and not want to gag or pop some serious pillage!
And so, to start the new year, I started a new me. I went to church, I met people, I got involved again, and I was happy! Happy with myself, happy with where I was and what I was doing, and I had a sense that other people and even God was pleased with me. (Do you know what it feels like to know that God is pleased with you?!?! It's indescribable. The kind of indescribable that some music is, there are just no words.)
And so, here I am. Eight months later and more at peace than I have ever been in my entire life! I have learned more this year then I did my entire four years of high school (which was at a small, Christian private institution). I have friends who love me and actually give a crap about how I feel and how I'm doing from day to day. I have friends who pray for me. People care enough about me to talk to God about me! (Again, indiscribable) I have a good job, it's a little dull, but it's not stressful by any means. I'm apartment hunting with a friend who I love dearly. I'm even taking online classes from Liberty University (a place I had previously sworn that I would NEVER attend). In about two years I will have a Master's degree in Professional Counseling and I will be able to help people much like where I was at the beginning of the year. People who are at the end of their rope. People with whom I can empathize.
What do these next two years hold for me? Lots of reading, lots of changes, and lots of growing. Growing pains hurt, but you always end up bigger and stronger when it's all said and done. And so my answer is yes, I will let this journey be my home.
- I can lose my hard earned freedom if my fear defines my world
I declare my independence from the critics and their stones
I can find my revolution I can learn to stand alone
There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy. - Shakespeare
Ah, music. A magic beyond all we do here! - Dumbledore
Piracy is our only option.- Jane Austen
Brandi: have you ever noticed that there are a lot of ugly funeral flower arrangements?
me: Um... yes?
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
~ Mary Hirsch~
It all depends on how we look at things, and not on how things are in themselves. The least of things with a meaning is worth more in life than the greatest of things without it.
— Carl Jung
Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!
— Dr. Seuss
Mirrors should think longer before they reflect.
— Jean Cocteau
Mirror, Mirror on the wall have I got it? Come here, you've always told me who I am. I'm finding it's not easy to be perfect. So sorry, you won't define me. Sorry, you don't own me! Who are you to tell me that I'm less than what I should be? Mirror I am seeing a new reflection. I'm looking into the eyes of He Who made me. And to Him, I have beauty beyond compare. I know He defines me.
E eternally in
Happiness is like a kiss - it feels best when you give it to someone else. ~Author Unknown
13 "Shout for joy, O heavens; rejoice, O earth; burst into song, O mountains! For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones. 14 But Zion said, "The LORD has forsaken me, the Lord has forgotten me." 15 "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! 16 See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;"
-- Isaiah 49:13-16
"Oh, great meatball and mozzarella-cheddar cheese with extra parmesan god, bestow upon us your saucy goodness bless us with your oregano seasoning, grant us all of the cheese we could desire for the rest of our lives In your toasty name we ask all of this -- Ameat"
"Man's perennial efforts to take himself in hand, however he attempts it, lead to the greatest bondage in which man misses what he was meant to be. Man's true freedom does not consist of the unfettered power to direct his life, either in a political or in a Stoic sense. It lies in life with God, lived as it was originally intended by God for man. He only gains this as he denies himself. Paradoxically, the free man does not belong to himself. He belongs to him who has set him free."
~ J. Blunck
- "If facts are the seeds that later produce knowledge and wisdom, then the emotions and the impressions of the senses are the fertile soil in which the seeds must grow." - Rachel Carson
- About Me:
- I am…
A daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin, a friend. I am a partner, a student, a young girl and a grown woman. I am confident and scared, terrified and excited. I am loving and caring and thoughtful and hopeful. I am sick and tired. I am shy and friendly, and careful and careless. I am broken and whole. I am misunderstood, misguided, and mislead. I am hardworking and determined, but a little scared on the inside. I wish on stars and dream my dreams. I pray to God and cry my tears. I smile on the outside while I’m dying on the inside. I listen to others who won’t listen to me. I walk on eggshells, and I walk on fire. I believe in passion and true love. I hold my head high and see with my heart. I am searching and I have found. I am everything and nothing all at once. I am all things to all people. I am undefined.