Last night I was tired. Weary in body, mind, and spirit. I was done. It was one of those times that I knew that if anyone, it didn't matter who, was nice to me and asked how I was doing, I was going to lose it. And I did.
It had been a long week. I can't even remember last Sunday, but Monday I went to work, had my meeting with Anne, and knew that I had to go home and try to talk to RM about money. Money is never a fun topic for me, mostly because I never really have any. I live paycheck to paycheck now adays and not very well. But God always Always ALWAYS provides for me, not a moment too soon or too late. Anyway, the RM and I "talked" about it, which means we left each other notes and facebook messages. It didn't turn out well and added A LOT of stress to my week. I'm very non-confrontational and I hate fighting over things and would rather take the loss of whatever the amount was than fight with a person I live with.
Tuesday was lovely, a break from all that tension. I went to a different Bible Study and it was very uplifting... mostly because we went around in a circle and said good things about each other. But I feel like the things said were from the heart and all I could say was "thank you". (By the way, apparently I was "perky" that night?)
Wednesday I was tired. I took a nap between work and youth instead of going to the gym. My girls picked me up a bit, I LOVE my girls!
Thursday was Rhythm. Awesome, but I was still tired. There seems to be a bit of tension now on Thursdays because of the people who have chosen to leave Rhythm. It's one of those situations where I might know too much to not notice the little things such as facial expressions, sideways glances, and body language. It makes life... interesting. Thursday night was also the night when the FB messages flew back and forth and I gave in. What's $120 when compared to household peace? God will provide, even if I do have to sell my violin that I never got the chance to learn how to play.
Friday is a little blury. I remember work, Lifeway and dinner with Keri, and going to bed, but that's about all.
Saturday was the dinner with my parents and racist grandparents. With two black babies in the house, it was tense to say the least. Then there was Keri, Scott & Ellie's... Josh's house... and falling down on his porch steps in the rain (I have bruises).
Sunday was the open house so people could see Sammy in all his post-surgery glory. It wasn't bad, just uncomfortable for some reason. By Sunday night, I was done. I went to class at church because I knew what kind of people I needed to be around, and as soon as Lori came in and sat down next to me, I was gone. I cried on her shoulder for a while, class started and I randomly teared up all throughout it, class ended and Lori and Brian prayed with me and I cried through all of that. I went home and, per Lori's very exact instructions, made soup, put laundry in the washer, read my homework and ate my soup, put the clothes in the dryer, brushed my teeth and went to bed. Everything was done on autopilot and I was done. With the week-long tension broken, my body and spirit were ready to sleep for days.
Now you might be asking, where was God in your week? Well, I'll tell you. I didn't invite Him in. I wasn't actively in the Word last week. It was one of those weeks I thought I could handle on my own. Well, if I end each week having a breakdown, I'm not handling it very well, am I? Of course not! This week, KSJ and I started a Bible study together on the names of God. The first name we studied this morning was YAHWEH.
This is only the most important name you could ever know if your entire life! This name, these few letters, indicates God's everything! God was, and is, and will be. He exists, was never created and can never be destroyed. God's power is everlasting and His lifespan is never ending (it's also never beginning but trying to understand that makes my eyes cross). Our God is not some random diety that we created because we needed something to believe in. Our God is not a crutch we have invented for ourselves because we don't want to deal with reality. God is reality! If anything, calling God a crutch is in itself a crutch. Church can be a crutch if the God of the church is left out. But God is not a crutch, He is an everlasting, allpowerful, Creator who wants to be invited into our daily lives, into every nuance of our lives so that He can make it better, so that He can be glorified in it!
What's your crutch? Who or what do you lean on when things get tough? The crutch of friends? The crutch of family? Or an everloving God?